I’m Beautiful Like Me.

I really hate taking meds. A lot.

About 2 months ago, I started taking Paxil to help me cope with my anxiety. I’ve done meds before with some success. I did Prozac when I was a teenager. It was meh. About 4 years ago I started taking Lexapro and that worked really well for about a year, at which time it started interfering with my ability to O. Yeah… no. Can’t have that. At that time, I also was prescribed Xanax 3 times per day. I weaned off of the Lexapro and only took the Xanax when I was really super stressed or panicky. Things naturally improved when I rid my life of a lot of stress triggers - namely xSO. I continued with the Xanax until I became pregnant with the boy. It was a hard adjustment at first, but Husband has been so supportive and just plain good for my general mental health.

I do struggle with bouts of depression. My mom thinks it’s a case of the baby blues and sometimes I think that, too. But then back in November I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s and I cannot emphasize the difference I feel now from then. It was kind of a low-blow for me to fully grasp that I’d be taking meds (Synthroid) for the rest of my life, but it has helped immensely. Thyroid disorders can often mimic depression when not under control.

In any case, I started having problems sleeping. I asked my General Practitioner for some help with that and she flat out said “no” because I’m still nursing. So I saw my ob/gyn and he suggested the Paxil and gave me a two week supply of Ambien. I’ve still got about half the bottle of the Ambien. I only use it for desperate, sleepless nights. The Paxil seems to be doing it’s thing as I have slept much better since starting.

Joy starts asking about weaning off the Zoloft she has been taking since December and that led me to thoughts of weaning off of Paxil. Dammit, I just wanna function in life without the assistance of meds! ::sigh:: So, we have those nifty pill keepers that I fill up every Sunday evening for the week ahead. I got Husband to cut my Paxil pills in half and started taking just half a pill each day this past week.

That was stupid.

I can’t quite say that it was just cutting them in half. I felt very PMS-y and pissy most of the week. And sure enough, Aunt Ruby made her monthly appearance today. MyMonthlyCycles calendar says it’s day 28 - right on time. Now, I realize that I may not always notice when I’m irritable, but goodness I could hardly stand myself all week. The girl and I have been at odds (nothing new). Husband and I have bumped heads several times, too, which is very unlike us. And Buddha has been driving me nuts with his incessant curiousity! Most of the time, I can deal just fine with him. I recognize that I’m getting impatient with him and I take a deep breath and center myself. He’s just a curious baby trying to check out his world. He’s still developing his sense of self-control. He doesn’t know how to express himself with words just yet. Deep breath.

Husband has been under quite a bit of stress himself. He is like a rock most of the time - nothing rattles him, y’know. But work has been demanding and he’s cramming this extra math class making it two courses in an 8 week period. Back when we first met, he missed a lot of sleep because we were out or had plans or whatever and he always handled himself with grace. I’ve been in awe of his ability to sleep 3 or 4 hours and not be a complete dickhead (’cause that’s how I would be!). This is different. He’s still way more gracious than I’d ever be, but I can see it’s starting to get to him. Earlier this week, he snapped at me for no good reason whatsoever. Me thinks wifey needs to do something extra for her man to help get him back into his usual groove.

Oh, and that Joy of mine! I just don’t know what to do with her anymore. She is so sassy and at times, she is very mean and self-centered. She and her best friend L have gotten into twice this week. Both times were because Joy wanted things her way and she threw a complete tantrum when she didn’t get it. And I mean tantrum. Throwing herself to the floor with screeching that rivals her baby brother’s. She argues and negotiates with every rule. Every day, every.single.day she asks to do things that household rules expressly forbid (like eating in the livingroom, for example) dozens of times. I’m so tired of repeating myself!

She leaves tomorrow afternoon to spend 6 weeks with her Nana in Florida. I’m extremely reluctant about it on the one hand, but on the other (did you read that last paragraph?!) I’m counting the minutes. Her dad is in jail. He has sentencing in the county where he is currently incarcerated on the 30th. If - God forbid - he gets out at that time, the neighboring county wants him in their jail, too. Chances of him getting out are slim. From my understanding (which is limited, I know), he’s facing 3-5 years. I’ve given her Nana specific instruction that Joy is expressly prohibited from being alone with her dad. She doesn’t need to be witness to any more of his, erm… shenanigans. She can visit with the rest of his family and go visit with him in jail. The girl and I have had an extensive conversation about what it might be like to visit with him while he’s incarcerated. She’s very dismissive of the subject. I don’t think she realizes how difficult it is going to be to see him in jail, to not be able to touch him or hug him. It breaks my heart. I hope the reality is sobering for her dad, literally and figuratively.

Buddha has been keeping a really kooky schedule this week, too. He outright refused to take a nap one afternoon and while he wasn’t as cranky as I anticipated, the real dream was how easy he went to sleep. So we decided to maybe squash the nap. Then, of course, yesterday he got a nap and did not want to go to sleep last night. I wanted to pull my hair out, I was so frustrated from laying in the quiet, dark room for 2 hours trying to get him to settle down and crash out.

And it’s affected my sleep. I’ve been up until at least 3am every one of the last three nights. Yesterday morning, Joy decided to “help” me sleep in by taking her brother out of our bed and into the livingroom to play. Hours later, as she and I came home from the library, Husband described Buddha’s accident. He lifted him up to carry him and a bizarre, foul-smelling liquid came smooshing out of all sides of his diaper. Accusingly, he asked me “What the hell have you been feeding him?! It looked like runny chicken and beans.” Nope, fed him nothing of the sort. Turns out that Joy gave him juice and raisins. Nevermind that I never ever ever give the boy juice, but if I did, I’d cut it to hell and back - 1 part juice per 10 parts (or more) of water. She not only didn’t cut it, she gave him two 4 oz. bottles of it! As an aside, I only have juice because WIC gave it to us. I figured it wouldn’t go bad before his third birthday. So, yeah, thanks for helping honey. I wanted to wring her neck, but instead I informed her that juice is too sweet for Buddha and that he could choke to death on raisins so please don’t do that again. “If you haven’t seen me feed it to him, don’t feed it to him, okay?”

Anyhow, I’ve resumed taking the entire Paxil pill as of this morning. Hopefully it won’t take more than a few days to not feel irate with the world. I’m sure that getting a bit of a break will help as well. Husband’s last day of school is Tuesday (it was supposed to be last week, but the week was extended when all the computers were down at last class meeting), Joy is leaving tomorrow and T is going to P’s on Tuesday to babysit for several hours. Assuming the boy sleeps well for me, I should get to steal away a few hours to myself. That’d be great - the DVR is full of shows I’ve recorded and I borrowed a book from the library. And there’s that cupcake I want to finish crocheting!

On Wednesday, Husband went to work as usual. It was nightmarish for me. Buddha was starting to get sick, too and was fussy and fevered. The girl cried that her head hurt, but refused an meds. At 1am, I finally got the boy to sleep in our bed. The girl awoke howling about her headache and running a fever, too. Oh, it was quite miserable. I left Husband a note that he was to take the next few days off to help take care of me and the kids.

Thursday, I spent most of the day lying on the couch in complete misery. We kept Joy home from school, but she claimed to have been miraculously healed overnight. Turned out to be no major loss, as school was released at 11:30am due to incoming inclement weather. She was headachey and stuffy throughout most of the day, with poor appetite. The boy was whiney and wanted to be held and nursed a lot. Also had no appetite.

Today was only slightly better in terms of my own health. I still woke up feeling like death warmed over, but better than the past two days. School was on a delay, so Husband got the girl off to the bus around 10:30am. Again, I hung out on the couch most of the day watching movies, however, the boy was much more cranky and preferred screaming at me to cuddling with me. Husband was much less patient with me today and enjoyed irritating the snot out of me.

Ugh, I just want to feel better. I hate feeling so miserable.

Yesterday, I finally washed the massive heap of dishes that have piled in the sink since BHF and family left. I took a shower and the boy woke up Husband. Husband’s sick, the poor dear. I pumped him full of Zicam, Ibuprofen and Mucinex and told him he should stay home from work. He didn’t listen.

P came over with her girls. The girls played while she and I gabbed and we ate Papa Murphy’s. It’s nice to have an adult to hang with and have grown-up conversations! She left her girls here for a half hour to take her husband some dinner at work. She came back and picked up the girls (mine, too) for a sleepover and church in the morning.

The boy took an hour long nap yesterday (while I washed dishes and showered) and only a 20 minute nap in the afternoon, so I assumed it would be an easy bedtime. WRONG! We went in there around 10pm. I put him in his crib and patted his tummy and he fell to sleep after about 30 minutes. Only to wake, screaming ten minutes later. Back again. He fell to sleep again quickly, but woke up again 20 minutes later, again screaming. I dosed him with some Ibuprofen and laid him in bed with me, nursing. At 1am, he finally fell to sleep.

Of course, the stress from the screaming left me wired and I was up until Husband came home, who felt and looked terrible. He downed some more meds and crashed hard. I laid in bed, awake, until 4:30am or later.

This morning, the boy woke me at 9am! How could he be ready to be awake already?! Insanity, I tell ya. So we got up, I fed him a bowl of oatmeal and some apricots and some Kix. He took a short nap, woke up and ate some more (beef and garden veggies and some cheddar puffs). We played a bit and P brought the girl home. Husband woke up, still feeling awful and burning a fever. I brought him water, drugs and the telephone to call in sick. Then I packed up the kids and went to Wal*Mart to get him some OJ, Gatorade, tissues, etc. Bought the boy a new toy, too.

Came home and started feeling pretty icky myself. My throat is sore. Wahhhhhh! I’m really tired, too and feeling rather grumpy. Baby took another too-short nap and just had ham, squash, yogurt and Cheerios. He’s a bottomless pit, I say.

Gonna try and get some decent sleep tonight. Hole up in bed with Husband and watch some movies or something.