I’m Beautiful Like Me.

On Saturday, we went to Iroquios Park for the Mountain and Hammered Dulcimer concert at the Amphitheater. It was nice, but much smaller than I had expected. T and the boy were bored and the whole lot of them were on my nerves, so we opted to walk over to the park instead. The boy needs more outdoor time these days, what with all his energy. He needs some place to put it that doesn’t involve climbing my furniture or destroying Husband’s computer parts.

But he loves exploring.

And checking out the water feature,
as long as he doesn’t get too wet.

He talks up a storm these days. His vocabulary includes several words that are very easy for anyone to understand: “hi,” “hello,” “daddy,” “mama,” “eat,” “please,” “thank you,” “up,” “down,” “uh-oh,” “no-no,” “eat,” “more,” “bye-bye,” “cup,” and a few others that currently elude me. He also says a number of words that only I seem to be able to understand. He has a distinct way of saying T’s name that everyone else thinks is “daddy.”

He loves bathtime and is generally intrigued with water, although he usually approaches it cautiously unless it’s bathwater. P took him with her to the pool last night and said he wanted nothing to do with the pool, but sat quietly with her poolside and watched others in the water intently for 45 minutes. Anyone who knows Buddha knows that he is typically far too high-strung for sitting long spells contently!

Getting him to sleep is a nightmare (pardon the pun). I am so unaccustomed to this, as Joy has always been a dream (sorry - couldn’t resist) when it comes to bedtime. Every night is a literal battle over getting him to rest. Even naptime has escalated into hellish torment. The boy will be so tired and cranky but still refuse to lay and rest. Husband and I have wondered if perhaps he is plagued by bad dreams or if he is just afraid of sleep. And now that he has figured out how to get up and down out of our bed, we have decided that it is time to get him sleeping in the crib. I am every bit as unhappy about this development as the boy is. He screams as though he is being tortured, despite the fact that we are right there, coddling and patting him, whispering unheard reassurances that all is well, hush now, it is time for bed. This leaves me stressed out and unable to sleep for several hours thereafter.

His appetite has been fluctuating like that of a toddler: one day he is fine with eating very little and the next day, he is a bottomless pit. He has several teeth coming in and it’s getting very uncomfortable to nurse. He has punctured the skin on my left nipple with those tiny teeth of his, despite the fact that he didn’t actually bite me. I suppose it is just friction that accompanies the suckling motion of his mouth. In any case, the past few days I have dreaded nursing, as this is his preferred side. Wouldn’t it follow that he has wanted to nurse more these past few days? He really loves bananas and he enjoyed helping me eat the Rainier cherries (see last post). He likes sausage and chicken and french fries (well, any sort of potato, really) and pasta and olives and fish. His dislikes seem to be more about texture than taste.

He loves watching Jack’s Big Music Show and Blue’s Clues. He loves music. He likes books. But he still prefers throwing things best. Unfortunately, he is usually throwing his heavy toys (like the flash light the in-laws sent to him for his first birthday) at people or our computers. He likes being outside or going for a ride in the car. He wanders around aimlessly like a butterfly when we go to the park. He likes drinking (only water!) from a cup.

Nursing this morning.
What’s daddy doing?!

I took a late nap, which always makes the day feel weird. Buddha napped with me, but when he woke up, I changed him, handed him to Husband and promptly went back to bed. I slept another two hours or so. It was a good sleep, though, just not long enough.

Yesterday, Husband accompanied me to the library where I got some more crochet books, renewed a couple of books and got two books on hand-spinning. I’m really interested in learning. It sounds like a GOB of work, but it sounds so rewarding, especially when I consider how much money I might save on yarn.

Afterwards, I accompanied him to the downtown Fiscal Building so he could apply for his CCDW. He was frazzled that we wouldn’t get there on time, especially considering I was 100% certain of where we were going. However, I have mad navigation skillz and even better parallel parking skillz. I even managed to find a parking meter with 2 hours left on it! We got there with more than 10 minutes to spare and the entire ordeal took maybe 5 minutes.

Then we drove into the Highlands, so I could seek out a coffee shop where some locals get together on Tuesdays for knitting/crocheting. Problem was that I mistakenly thought I was searching for a yarn store. D’oh! Here I thought there were 2 businesses in town with the same name. I had read earlier this week that the coffee shop was closing. I never made the connection that it was the same place. So, I’m not as savvy as I thought.

In any case, one of those lovely locals and I have exchanged a few messages on Ravelry and I read her blog religiously. I sent her a message and she invited me to the group on Ravelry, so I could be in the know of where they’d be getting together on Tuesday.

Then we drove by a house we’ve found online that we really like. It’s HUGE - almost 3,000 sq. ft., three floors, 4 bedrooms, 3 baths, big front and back porches for a killer price. The only drawback is the location. I’m not fond of the location at all for a place to raise our kids. I’m going to hafta do some additional research on the area - the school(s) the kids would attend, the crime rate, etc. if we were to ever seriously consider it.

We stopped at Aldi on our way home. Husband has never been there. They are a lot like Sav-A-Lot, but they have some great deals and sometimes some good imports. I spent a small fortune on imported chocolate.

I had hoped Husband and I would be able to go to KT’s for dinner last night. It’s my most favorite restaurant of all. Great food, good service, excellent ambiance, and a fair price. We’ve been a handful of times since moving back to the ‘Ville, but I can never get enough. I wanted to wait until later in the evening, so we could enjoy our meal on the outdoor patio. Later came and Husband didn’t want to go anymore. Instead, I lied down with the baby and dozed a long while. When I woke up, I had a need for ice cream. It was about 10pm. Husband and I packed up Buddha and T joined us to the Dairy Queen. We ate way too much. I had a hot fudge waffle bowl sundae that was pure heaven. The boy surprised me by rejecting several bites from his dad’s ice cream. He ended up staying up until 1am, too.

This morning, I woke up too early (see previous post). By the time I was ready to crawl back into bed, the boy was awake. He wakes up with the sweetest demeanor. I was here at the computer, tinkering with my new Ravelry widget and I heard him call for me: “Daddy!” I poked my head around the corner and was greeted by a big smile. He reached for me immediately. I laughed and told him I prefer to be called “Mama.” We played for a bit, but since about an hour after waking, he’s been a total grouch. Very whiny. Sigh.

Tonight, Husband started making dinner - a London Broil on the grill. I jumped in the shower while T watched the boy. Husband busted into the bathroom: “I ran outta gas! Making a run to the store!” After my brief shower, I ran out to the grill to snap a picture of the delicious-looking and -smelling hunk of meat.

I stole bites as I prepared small pieces for the boy.
Husband’s plate. Yummy!
Dinner was delicious! Husband is a very good grill master. He’s made steaks on the stove a half dozen times or so and the results were always “meh.” I finally suggested he get out the grill about a month or two ago. That night, after dinner I told him he was never allowed to cook steak in the house again! T whined that the meat was too pink for her liking once or twice before, so this time Husband cooked hers a bit longer. I used to like my steak well, too, but nowadays it tastes like the bottom of a shoe when it’s cooked that long. I prefer it more medium, thank you very much.

Tonight I hope to get some or all of my squares sewn together. Once that’s complete, I still need to add a border before it’s totally done. I’m getting close. I had really hoped to visit a local yarn store called The Knit Nook today to get some yarn for my next project - a blanket for my mother-in-law (MIL). I still haven’t found a pattern that I like for her, but I’m excited because MIL’s favorite colors are my favorites, too. Maybe I can get over there tomorrow. Wait, are they open tomorrow? Ooh, I hope so. Husband has some schoolwork to get to while he’s still got plenty of time to focus on it, but we might catch a movie together tonight, too.

After flinching from the many, various noises from the fireworks last night, I decided it would be far more exciting to actually go outside and watch. One can better prepare herself for the bang when one sees the fuses being lit! So, I scooped up my Buddha and went outside to watch. He was terrified, the poor thing. He eyed the lights suspiciously and jumped with every pow, and then the pitiful babe would make this face of sheer terror. I had to convince T to come out and take some photos of us, ’cause she’s not terribly fond of fireworks, either. Later, I tried to leave him inside with T for a bit so I could get a break from holding him, but he wanted to go back out. Later, P brought her girls since they were rained out at her sister’s house. I picked on her a bit about George Clinton, but she was a good sport. Her girls would clap after every big mortar exploded and squeal with delight. It inspired the boy - he clapped and smiled with them, but was still very much afraid. Some pictures from the porch, before P and her girls came. He was clinging to me for dear life:

After the last sparkle fizzled, P and her girls came inside for a bit. The boy was so tired, we just skipped the bath altogether. I was tired, too, so I queued a movie in the DVD player and intended to watch Vantage Point while dozing off to sleep. That didn’t work. It’s so full of action and suspense that I was quickly engaged in the plot. The television distracted Buddha from falling asleep, too. I didn’t care, dammit. It had Edgar Ramirez in it! He’s so beautiful:

It was the best movie I’ve seen in a very long time. It had all the elements a good movie needs: action, drama, suspense, the whole whodunnit bit, a great cast and a decent ending.

Today’s been good, too. My mouse took a shit. Sweet Husband went to Best Buy to get me a new one. It’s got a tablet pad and pen, too, so I can practice drawing for iSketch! Yes, it’s lame but it pleases me. It also came with Photoshop Elements and Corel Paint and some other programs. I’ve played around in those in demos, so I know what great scores those are.

Husband has a light night at work, so he should be home pretty early. That thrills me, because the boy is really giving me a hard way to go about sleep again tonight. I sometimes wonder if he’ll be sleeping on his own by the time school starts. He’s just so different from Joy when it comes to nighttime and sleeping. I tell myself that he will be easy in ways that she’s been hard when I need a pep talk. A non-sleeping babe is about the worst thing I can think of, besides a sick, non-sleeping babe.

That said, I’m off to rock him in my arms while catching up on The First 48.

Curtesy of my new toy, my signature!

I really hate taking meds. A lot.

About 2 months ago, I started taking Paxil to help me cope with my anxiety. I’ve done meds before with some success. I did Prozac when I was a teenager. It was meh. About 4 years ago I started taking Lexapro and that worked really well for about a year, at which time it started interfering with my ability to O. Yeah… no. Can’t have that. At that time, I also was prescribed Xanax 3 times per day. I weaned off of the Lexapro and only took the Xanax when I was really super stressed or panicky. Things naturally improved when I rid my life of a lot of stress triggers - namely xSO. I continued with the Xanax until I became pregnant with the boy. It was a hard adjustment at first, but Husband has been so supportive and just plain good for my general mental health.

I do struggle with bouts of depression. My mom thinks it’s a case of the baby blues and sometimes I think that, too. But then back in November I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s and I cannot emphasize the difference I feel now from then. It was kind of a low-blow for me to fully grasp that I’d be taking meds (Synthroid) for the rest of my life, but it has helped immensely. Thyroid disorders can often mimic depression when not under control.

In any case, I started having problems sleeping. I asked my General Practitioner for some help with that and she flat out said “no” because I’m still nursing. So I saw my ob/gyn and he suggested the Paxil and gave me a two week supply of Ambien. I’ve still got about half the bottle of the Ambien. I only use it for desperate, sleepless nights. The Paxil seems to be doing it’s thing as I have slept much better since starting.

Joy starts asking about weaning off the Zoloft she has been taking since December and that led me to thoughts of weaning off of Paxil. Dammit, I just wanna function in life without the assistance of meds! ::sigh:: So, we have those nifty pill keepers that I fill up every Sunday evening for the week ahead. I got Husband to cut my Paxil pills in half and started taking just half a pill each day this past week.

That was stupid.

I can’t quite say that it was just cutting them in half. I felt very PMS-y and pissy most of the week. And sure enough, Aunt Ruby made her monthly appearance today. MyMonthlyCycles calendar says it’s day 28 - right on time. Now, I realize that I may not always notice when I’m irritable, but goodness I could hardly stand myself all week. The girl and I have been at odds (nothing new). Husband and I have bumped heads several times, too, which is very unlike us. And Buddha has been driving me nuts with his incessant curiousity! Most of the time, I can deal just fine with him. I recognize that I’m getting impatient with him and I take a deep breath and center myself. He’s just a curious baby trying to check out his world. He’s still developing his sense of self-control. He doesn’t know how to express himself with words just yet. Deep breath.

Husband has been under quite a bit of stress himself. He is like a rock most of the time - nothing rattles him, y’know. But work has been demanding and he’s cramming this extra math class making it two courses in an 8 week period. Back when we first met, he missed a lot of sleep because we were out or had plans or whatever and he always handled himself with grace. I’ve been in awe of his ability to sleep 3 or 4 hours and not be a complete dickhead (’cause that’s how I would be!). This is different. He’s still way more gracious than I’d ever be, but I can see it’s starting to get to him. Earlier this week, he snapped at me for no good reason whatsoever. Me thinks wifey needs to do something extra for her man to help get him back into his usual groove.

Oh, and that Joy of mine! I just don’t know what to do with her anymore. She is so sassy and at times, she is very mean and self-centered. She and her best friend L have gotten into twice this week. Both times were because Joy wanted things her way and she threw a complete tantrum when she didn’t get it. And I mean tantrum. Throwing herself to the floor with screeching that rivals her baby brother’s. She argues and negotiates with every rule. Every day, every.single.day she asks to do things that household rules expressly forbid (like eating in the livingroom, for example) dozens of times. I’m so tired of repeating myself!

She leaves tomorrow afternoon to spend 6 weeks with her Nana in Florida. I’m extremely reluctant about it on the one hand, but on the other (did you read that last paragraph?!) I’m counting the minutes. Her dad is in jail. He has sentencing in the county where he is currently incarcerated on the 30th. If - God forbid - he gets out at that time, the neighboring county wants him in their jail, too. Chances of him getting out are slim. From my understanding (which is limited, I know), he’s facing 3-5 years. I’ve given her Nana specific instruction that Joy is expressly prohibited from being alone with her dad. She doesn’t need to be witness to any more of his, erm… shenanigans. She can visit with the rest of his family and go visit with him in jail. The girl and I have had an extensive conversation about what it might be like to visit with him while he’s incarcerated. She’s very dismissive of the subject. I don’t think she realizes how difficult it is going to be to see him in jail, to not be able to touch him or hug him. It breaks my heart. I hope the reality is sobering for her dad, literally and figuratively.

Buddha has been keeping a really kooky schedule this week, too. He outright refused to take a nap one afternoon and while he wasn’t as cranky as I anticipated, the real dream was how easy he went to sleep. So we decided to maybe squash the nap. Then, of course, yesterday he got a nap and did not want to go to sleep last night. I wanted to pull my hair out, I was so frustrated from laying in the quiet, dark room for 2 hours trying to get him to settle down and crash out.

And it’s affected my sleep. I’ve been up until at least 3am every one of the last three nights. Yesterday morning, Joy decided to “help” me sleep in by taking her brother out of our bed and into the livingroom to play. Hours later, as she and I came home from the library, Husband described Buddha’s accident. He lifted him up to carry him and a bizarre, foul-smelling liquid came smooshing out of all sides of his diaper. Accusingly, he asked me “What the hell have you been feeding him?! It looked like runny chicken and beans.” Nope, fed him nothing of the sort. Turns out that Joy gave him juice and raisins. Nevermind that I never ever ever give the boy juice, but if I did, I’d cut it to hell and back - 1 part juice per 10 parts (or more) of water. She not only didn’t cut it, she gave him two 4 oz. bottles of it! As an aside, I only have juice because WIC gave it to us. I figured it wouldn’t go bad before his third birthday. So, yeah, thanks for helping honey. I wanted to wring her neck, but instead I informed her that juice is too sweet for Buddha and that he could choke to death on raisins so please don’t do that again. “If you haven’t seen me feed it to him, don’t feed it to him, okay?”

Anyhow, I’ve resumed taking the entire Paxil pill as of this morning. Hopefully it won’t take more than a few days to not feel irate with the world. I’m sure that getting a bit of a break will help as well. Husband’s last day of school is Tuesday (it was supposed to be last week, but the week was extended when all the computers were down at last class meeting), Joy is leaving tomorrow and T is going to P’s on Tuesday to babysit for several hours. Assuming the boy sleeps well for me, I should get to steal away a few hours to myself. That’d be great - the DVR is full of shows I’ve recorded and I borrowed a book from the library. And there’s that cupcake I want to finish crocheting!

Aunt Ruby is here for a visit. That explains a lot, particularly the boy’s recently grouchiness when it comes to nursing. And my recent voracious appetite (particularly for chocolate) and frequent headaches. In any case, my cycles seem to be back to their good ole 28 days.

Met with Dr. M today. I brought T and the boy along. The nurses were all tickled pink to see him, disbelieving that he could walk or that he’ll be 1 year old in 4 short days. Even the doctor was all “No way!” So, he agreed with me that the lump I found was nothing serious. And he gave me something to help me sleep - thank goodness. I just hafta remember to call the other doc tomorrow and let them know that I’m not interested in the mammogram and/or ultrasound and also make them aware of the other meds the Dr. M prescribed me.

I’ve spent a good part of the day teaching myself how to crochet. What little I have seems kind of pathetic to me, but it’s a good start, too, I think. I’ve successfully learned the single crochet, double crochet and half double crochet. There are four or five additional stitches (of which I am aware) that I haven’t learned yet. It’s a slow process, learning from the net and a book. But I’m enjoying it.

T and the girl went to Oma’s house for the weekend. There’s no school tomorrow (professional day), so it will be a long weekend without them. I will see them again on Sunday at P’s house for Buddha’s birthday. Which reminds me, we still need to get his gift! We’ve decided to get him a toybox.

I’m really tired and feeling yucky again this evening. And the prospect of the impending winter storm does not make me feel any jollier. Blech, I’m ready for Spring! Don’t we set our clocks ahead this weekend, too? Well, whatever. I’m hoping to get some decent sleep tonight and waking in the morning feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.

I have been totally worthless today. I woke up early this morning. Husband and I had planned to get our taxes done at H&R Block first thing this morning. I took a shower and he made breakfast and took a shower, too. Afterwards, it was nearing Buddha’s naptime, and Husband was feeling queasy from breakfast. So we decided to just all lie down for a nap together. A couple of hours later, I vaguely recollect being pretty nasty to Husband when he tried waking me up. Poor guy. An hour later, I finally woke up, too. I felt terrible. Husband went to file taxes without me. I cried, my body ached so much. When he came home at around 4:30pm, I went straight to sleep and slept until almost 11pm. I’m certain I only woke because my body ached so badly and I was a bit hungry. Husband made me some toast, which I gobbled down. I’ll prolly return to bed very soon. Hopefully, I will feel better tomorrow.

Yesterday, I finally washed the massive heap of dishes that have piled in the sink since BHF and family left. I took a shower and the boy woke up Husband. Husband’s sick, the poor dear. I pumped him full of Zicam, Ibuprofen and Mucinex and told him he should stay home from work. He didn’t listen.

P came over with her girls. The girls played while she and I gabbed and we ate Papa Murphy’s. It’s nice to have an adult to hang with and have grown-up conversations! She left her girls here for a half hour to take her husband some dinner at work. She came back and picked up the girls (mine, too) for a sleepover and church in the morning.

The boy took an hour long nap yesterday (while I washed dishes and showered) and only a 20 minute nap in the afternoon, so I assumed it would be an easy bedtime. WRONG! We went in there around 10pm. I put him in his crib and patted his tummy and he fell to sleep after about 30 minutes. Only to wake, screaming ten minutes later. Back again. He fell to sleep again quickly, but woke up again 20 minutes later, again screaming. I dosed him with some Ibuprofen and laid him in bed with me, nursing. At 1am, he finally fell to sleep.

Of course, the stress from the screaming left me wired and I was up until Husband came home, who felt and looked terrible. He downed some more meds and crashed hard. I laid in bed, awake, until 4:30am or later.

This morning, the boy woke me at 9am! How could he be ready to be awake already?! Insanity, I tell ya. So we got up, I fed him a bowl of oatmeal and some apricots and some Kix. He took a short nap, woke up and ate some more (beef and garden veggies and some cheddar puffs). We played a bit and P brought the girl home. Husband woke up, still feeling awful and burning a fever. I brought him water, drugs and the telephone to call in sick. Then I packed up the kids and went to Wal*Mart to get him some OJ, Gatorade, tissues, etc. Bought the boy a new toy, too.

Came home and started feeling pretty icky myself. My throat is sore. Wahhhhhh! I’m really tired, too and feeling rather grumpy. Baby took another too-short nap and just had ham, squash, yogurt and Cheerios. He’s a bottomless pit, I say.

Gonna try and get some decent sleep tonight. Hole up in bed with Husband and watch some movies or something.