I’m Beautiful Like Me.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the title of my blog, what it means to me and where it comes from.

“I’m not beautiful like you, I’m beautiful like me” comes from the song Beautiful by Joydrop. It’s important to me for a number of reasons. Firstly, it tackles my own issues with self-image. Next, it is a voice of dissent in a culture that places value on the impossible: physical perfection. Finally, I hope that those words touches others and helps them recognize their own beauty.

As mama to both a girl and a boy, exploring my attitudes about appearance is something that I’m greatly concerned with. With Joy, I’m worried about the impact that television, movies, advertisements and magazines will have on her own self-image. With Buddha, I want him to grow up sensitive to and understanding of the impact that these mediums have (especially on women). I want to discuss with both of my children why beauty is so adamantly emphasized - and therefore pursued - in this culture.

When I was a little girl, I didn’t have many self-image issues. I was active, I ate a well-balanced diet. When I became a preteen and entered middle school, I became more aware of my own appearance and noticed a subtle form of competition that took place amongst my peers. It was a competition that I reluctantly joined. It continued well into high school and even beyond, but it’s impact on me was most negative in those precarious 7 years. It’s a time when children start to develop their own identity within the greater world (as opposed to within the confines of family). I felt awkward and out-of-style. I struggled to fit in. I learned to hate my uncooperative hair. I studied my flaws with a critical eye in the mirror. I’ve always struggled with my weight, too.

I’m not entirely sure when it happened, but things changed. I found that I had confidence. I saw a pretty girl in the mirror - not perfect - but certainly not ugly and definitely worthy of love and respect. Instead of seeing a broad forehead and a too-soft-not-flat belly, I saw long, slender legs and full, pouty lips. I somehow learned to focus on my qualities that I thought of as my physical strengths. It was serendipitous. Discovering a healthy self-image I wasn’t exactly searching for led to suddenly being asked out a lot, too. Turns out that men (and a few women) are really into a self-confident girl. I daresay it quickly became my best quality, outshining even my legs.

Today, I’m a good 30 lbs. (give or take) heavier than I was then. I gained close to 50 lbs. in my pregnancy with Joy and only lost 8-10 lbs. after she was born. It took me many years to find the motivation to do something about it. I lost 30 more lbs. just a few years before getting pregnant with Buddha. I gained less weight with him and lost more directly after his birth, but I’m still heavier than I’d like to be. This has less to do with the way I look than the way I feel (see this post for more info).

At the tender age of 9, Joy is already thinking about her appearance. She has commented to me a number of times that she thinks of herself as fat or that she needs to lose weight. This saddens me and it also angers me. First of all, she is perfect in my eyes! The poor darling inherited her mama’s body and her daddy’s sweet tooth - a toxic combination in this day and age. But she does eat very healthy most days and is very active. I fear that others have corrupted her self-image because of their own exposure to unhealthily thin celebrities. I know too many women who hate their freckles (what is up with that?!) so I’ve made it a point to drill into her head that she is a beautiful girl and that her freckles are among her best features. Fortunately, she loves her freckles.

I happened to catch an episode of Oprah wherein a panel of guest experts discussed the book The Secret. One woman from the audience talked about hating her figure, despite the numerous other ways her life was successful. One of the panelists responded to this woman, stating something to the effect of “Hey, your arms work, your legs work. Learn to love that they can do the things that you need them to do!” I thought that was pretty damn profound!

A few years ago, there was a great (albeit short-lived) TV show called Boomtown. One of the characters on the show, a cop named Fearless, carried a list of Things to Do Before He Died and inspired me to start my own. Topping my list is something I’ve yet to do: own a pair of tailor-made pants. I’ve developed and nurtured a loathing for clothing manufacturers, particularly those in the business of making pants and jeans. Every woman I discuss this matter with agrees that shopping for jeans is a total pain in the ass. Personally, I find that pants that fit my waist are typically way too baggy in the butt, crotch and thighs. While it may be true that many women have a certain body type, I’d argue that it’s absurd and preposterous to expect women to tailor their bodies to fit in clothing items that are mass-produced. Companies ought to tailor their apparel to fit us, not expect us to tailor our bodies to fit their clothing. It’s a major contribution in the movement of our culture that - whatever it’s intentions - is making women hate themselves.

One of my guilty pleasures is America’s Next Top Model. I can’t help but feel drawn to the show. Perhaps it is my own experience in the industry. When I was young, I danced ballet. However, I stopped when we moved to the States, because I just couldn’t get into the groove of the new teacher. Instead, my mom got me involved in beauty pageants and eventually, Barbizon Modeling School (I don’t recommend them). It was an interesting experience and though nothing much ever came of it for me, I am pleased to report that it didn’t have the negative impact on my self-image that it very well could have had. In any case, this year’s Cycle 10 had me cheering for Whitney Thompson. She’s considered “full-figured” at size 10. And believe it or not, she won! I’m hopeful that this is a step in the right direction that our culture (and other cultures, particularly those that admire ours) will lay off emphasizing stick-skinny figures as being more beautiful and therefore more valuable.

Finally, if you haven’t yet heard of Dove’s Beauty Campaign, I strongly recommend checking out their site, Campaign for Real Beauty, just after you watch the video below.

Firstly, T and I got into it yesterday. Mostly because I can’t convince her to take school seriously. All I requested was that she hand over her cell phone for the few hours of the day that she should be focusing on school. She dug in her heels and refused, stating that she could do both. Well, the past several months proves otherwise. I hate the tension between us, but I can’t pretend that I’m okay with her just slacking on her schoolwork so’s she can play on MySpace and send text messages all frickin’ day. So, for now, she has no computer privileges and I’ve taken away her allowance. In our home, the allowance is contingent upon doing your “job” as a kid by going to school and doing homework (as opposed to being tied to chores). Natch, she’s pretty upset, but I think I am being more than reasonable.

And last night, Buddha would not go to sleep! He was up until almost 12:30am. Worse, he woke me at 8am this morning. UGH! I suppose it wouldn’t have been too bad, had I went to sleep when he did. But I was up until about 4am myself, starting on my new blanket, the Circles to Square Afghan. Here’s a the pattern image.I’m using the same yarn from the Seija Set (brown, pink and off-white) to make it, though, since I still have so much. I had fully intended on making at least one more Seija afghan, but I’m bored with it after making two already. I can’t decide on the color sequence. I made two squares and I’m going to make a third before deciding. It’s going to be a gift for my mom’s upcoming birthday (Mom, if you are reading, act surprised when I give it to you!). I’m going to hafta hustle - her birthday is in 11 days! In any case, point is that my sweet boy totally conked out in the middle of the living room - something he never does. It was cute enough to share:

Meanwhile, Joy is in Florida. Her being in Florida is not good for my mental health. I have thought so much about xSO because of it, which I loathe. I’m the type of girl who does not remain on friendly terms with ex-boyfriends. They are my ex for a reason! Now, this does not apply to boys I dated a few times (or to CJP - nevermind that we aren’t in touch anyhow - because, well, he’s just different), but rather to those with whom I was in a long-term relationship. Those never end well and for me personally, the break often had to do with me growing up and them, well, not.

Unfortunately, this is not the case with Joy’s dad, as much as I would prefer it to be. We have a child together and contact between us has been necessary. It’s especially true since he’s the type of boy who has never had to do much for himself since there was always someone there to do it for him. I’m referring to things like paying bills, remembering birthdays and other important dates, sending Christmas cards, attending functions at school and church, and so on. When we first moved to Kentucky, I called xSO right away with Joy’s new school calendar information. Of course, by the time December rolled around and it was time for them to visit, he had made absolutely no arrangements and lost the paper he had written the vacation dates on. What makes all of this so infuriating, such the burden that it is for me, is that I am still the glue that keeps them (Joy and xSO) together. And - worse - his actions still affect us.

My stomach has been in knots waiting for the 30th, when he finally goes to sentencing. He’s looking at 3 to 5 years, from my understanding of his charges. And that’s not counting the neighboring county, where he still hasn’t been dealt with at all. I’m hopeful that he serves some amount of time, because it seems to me that it is the only possible solution to stopping his downward spiral. I wish I were in a position to wish him well, ’cause ultimately that’s what I’d really like to see. It’d be better for our daughter and my family. But I have been let down too often to bet on it.

Some time back, xSO’s mother told Joy that xSO’s life fell apart when we left. While it is essentially true, I was totally pissed at the woman for stating such a thing to my daughter. She might has well have said “It’s all your and your mom’s fault that he’s screwing up.” Bullshit! He was always living risky. When we were together, he didn’t live as risky because I was always there to nag him about drinking too much, spending too much on his head and so on. After I left him, that wasn’t my problem anymore and he took it to the extreme. That shit affects us. It affects Joy, it affects me and it also affects Husband and Buddha. None of us should be made to deal with xSO’s selfishness and disregard for responsibility.

Joy said she visited with him in jail. She said they weren’t even in the same room - that she spoke to him over a telephone and that she saw his image on a computer-like monitor. I’m a bit relieved, to be honest. I was concerned that being in close proximity to him and not being allowed to hug him would be upsetting for her. I think the experience she had made it seem less real, more surreal. Like a phone conversation with an overseas friend.

Yeah, so I’m pissed that I’m spending so much energy thinking on and worrying over Joy being there. I’m going to spend some time today folding laundry that I’ve been ignoring for a week and crocheting while watching the 10+ hours I’ve got recorded on the DVR, so hopefully it will not consume me. P and I had considered attending Shakespeare in the Park tonight, but I didn’t get much sleep last night and she just wants to go home and laze in her PJs. So, we’ll try to go another night. I’ll update then with pictures, I’m sure.

Oh yes, and the great irony is that, for whatever reason, my linked images show up in black and white on Internet Explorer. So, if you are viewing the blog on IE, there likely is something wrong with the picture. Go figure.

Today was hectic. Woke up around 9am. Husband got in late last night and just stayed up to get Joy on the bus (thank you, darling!), so he slept until just before he had to go into work. The boy and I had breakfast, I got us both dressed and we headed out to Old Navy for their big sale. I bought so many clothes for him. They are the cutest outfits! Most of the clothes I got won’t fit him until fall, but it’s just as well since it will be warming up soon and the clothes are really more for cooler temps. I also got the girl some very nice shirts. I love the 40% off sale! I would’ve stayed longer (and prolly bought more), but the boy was pissed off about being in the stroller. I ended up pushing an empty stroller one-handed, while toting him on my hip. Erg.

We then headed for Wal*Mart just to pick up a few things. Happy to beat the weekend crowds. The boy is much happier riding in the car seat propped in a shopping cart. I think he likes being up higher. We played our usual game of blowing raspberries back and forth and blinking hard at each other. He’s so much fun when he’s like that. And of course, the ladies all already love him. I have to fight off germy strangers every time we go out.

Dinner was ready when we got home around 2pm. I prepped a pork loin, greens and potatoes this morning while the boy snacked on some cinnamon rolls (no icing). It smelled so good! I got Husband conscious long enough to show him the clothes which he agreed are totally adorable. He didn’t wince when I told him how much I spent either. I’m a lucky girl! Nursed the boy a bit and left him to nap with daddy.

Joy came home from school, so I woke the boys up and we ate dinner together. Husband left for work. Another long week away from home for him.

A friend stopped by for a while and we caught up. Sometimes I feel so out of touch with the outside world. It’s good to have an adult conversation with someone face-to-face once in a while!

The girl has her cousin over for the weekend. The two of them are being really loud! I’m afraid they will wake the baby (who is asleep in his crib again tonight!). I’ve already asked them twice to keep it down. I haven’t kept him in a very long time, so it’s good to have him here.