I’m Beautiful Like Me.

A long-ass time ago, Husband got himself into a bit of trouble. It was all really stupid (especially the part where he got caught) and has been a thorn in his side for a multitude of reasons since. In any case, when the staffing agency that employs him ran his background check, the information came back (as we expected) inaccurately (we didn’t see that comin’). It made his previous troubles exponentially worse and therefore, they let him go. Husband met with them yesterday, taking along all the original court documents. He called our lawyer, he called the lawyer from years ago, he called the clerk’s office in the county where it happened. Maybe he’ll get his job back. But his job loss has created a domino-effect of other great reasons to be pissy.

No more medical insurance = no more Paxil. I’m on my last month’s prescription, so I’m taking matters into my own hands (remember how well that went last time?) and weaning on my own. I started Saturday and already I’m all sorts of bitchy. And just like last time, I’m PMSing.

I was supposed to ride to Indianapolis on Saturday to meet up with Monkeytoes and go to that Daughtry concert with her. Yeah, no cash flow for even gas. I had to cancel with her at the last minute. I would have felt soooo much worse if she didn’t have a friend to take after all. While I’m not a huge Daughtry fan, it has been years since I’ve been to a concert and we have planning this since April. I’m pretty fuckin’ disappointed.

T is gone. I put her on the plane on Sunday afternoon and the little shit didn’t even call to let me know she made it okay. Before heading to the airport, we dropped Joy off at Big Rob’s because he was headed out to Oma’s. I had to ask my mom to buy Joy’s school supplies and some new uniforms since Joy’s Nana didn’t bother this year (the past I-don’t-know-how-many summers, she has at least taken care of uniforms and the new backpack), although she did get Joy a backpack. I’m sure you can imagine how much fun my mom had trying to locate uniforms the Sunday before school started. Even I called three different stores (on top of the countless stores mom called) and everyone was out of Joy’s size. For a pleasant Oma this did not make.

Since the girls were both gone and Husband was home, I spent the rest of a seemingly endless Sunday cleaning the entire house, including Joy’s room. It didn’t take long, but it was tedious as hell and I found all sorts of food-related garbage that I know is from T in that room. When Joy came back home yesterday, I had to get onto her at least 4 different times to keep it clean in there. I just don’t understand how one little girl can be so similar to a natural disaster.

We went to the WIC office yesterday to renew. I was miffed that the nutritionist asked me what I am doing with the milk I get from the WIC checks since we don’t give Buddha cow’s milk. I told her I was still nursing, but she still insisted that he needs a good source of calcium. Erm… hello?!

Mom met with us there to drop Joy to me. We came back home for a bit, I did some laundry, some meal-planning, then we headed to the park for a bit. We went to Wal*Mart to get some diapers and a few other things (that we can’t really afford), came back home to start dinner. Husband and I got into another tiff. He does this really annoying thing where he comes in and either tells me how I “should be” doing something or just takes over. I totally flew off the handle on him. In hindsight, it was pretty stupid. I just remember how I was so consumed with anger. He knows how much I hate it when he interferes. He did try to apologize or at least calm me down. I would have none of it. I finished my chores and went to bed, not even having any dinner. It was 7pm. I woke up briefly at just before 9pm long enough to call Joy in from outside, make her take her pill and usher her into the shower. I scooped up the boy and the two of us went to bed. I slept until 6:30am this morning.

I have got to do something - anything - about the level of anger I reach when he makes me mad. I have never experienced feelings like this before. I dream up all sorts of violent things to do to him when he makes me mad. I want to break shit. Since I cannot (as of yet) find a better solution, I just remove myself from where ever he is. It isn’t practical, for one. For another thing, it just cannot be healthy. He’s my husband and, normally, my best friend. I shouldn’t feel like he is my enemy. I know he is not, but when I reach that level, it feels like he is.

The only good solution I have come up with: one of us needs to get a fuckin’ job.

Joy arrived home on Monday. It’s really nice to have her home, but the child is such a slob! No sooner than she dragged her suitcase into her room, it was a disaster area. She’s like a hurricane. Hurricane Joy.

Last night, P took both of the girls for the night. Husband and I hit the grocery store and came home for a quiet dinner. He entertained the boy for a bit and I nursed him to sleep. We enjoyed the quiet of the evening. It’s been rare this summer!

Some time in the past few days, Buddha has become a complete nightmare. He started squealing this high-pitched squawk that hits that nerve. He is into everything. I cannot leave the room to pee without him sneaking ink pens out of the desk drawer or trying to unplug the outlet covers. He climbs the furniture, knocks down the lamp, and whines incessantly all.day.long. Yesterday was awful. He fought nap time vehemently, nursing one moment and squirming off the bed the next. And our bedroom is so not child-proofed. There is the stereo (buttons for him to push which could deafen the neighbors), Husband’s guitar (which he likes to strike with whatever heavy object might be lying around), the box fans to help circulate the air (missing fingers, anyone?) not to mention the girls are terrible about keeping the bathroom door closed (let’s not even humor those thoughts). He’s crafty: he has managed to pass most barriers we’ve erected to keep him in or out. He’s fast, too. My sweet boy has become possessed by demons, I think.

T’s report of last night’s events at P’s house sounds standard. Joy and her friend, L bickered all night long. Why do these kids beg relentlessly to hang out when all they do is fight?!! I’m considering sending P flowers and a well-crafted letter of apology and thanks for tolerating that non-sense. The girls forgot to turn everything off and to feed the cat before they left last night, too. So when they returned home early this afternoon, I put them both to work.

While I scrubbed the bathroom and vacuumed the house, T cleaned the kitchen while Joy cleaned their bedroom. This morning, I cleared off the entire desk and dusted (while fending off the aforementioned persistently curious and grabby toddler). I got rid of Husband’s monster-sized stack of paperwork, which we still need to pore through. I balanced the checkbook, got our prescriptions filled and portioned for the next week, folded 3 loads of laundry and cooked dinner. I feel rather accomplished, thank you very much. But I am also grumpy. I’d rather be playing on Plurk or crocheting or spinning or reading or sleeping. And of course, by tomorrow, all of my work will be undone. I hate housework.

The rest of this week will be busy. On Saturday, I am going to Indianapolis to see Daughtry with Monkeytoes. I’d hoped we could all go, that we’d get an overnight room at a hotel with a pool and Husband could entertain the kids poolside while I attend the show with Monkeytoes. Unfortunately, things aren’t going to turn out that way and I will drive myself up and back home. Sunday, T is flying home around 2pm and afterwards, I am taking Joy to my mom’s for the night. Mom is taking her shopping for school supplies and uniforms (thank God, as we are so farkin’ broke). And school starts back on Tuesday!

Joy’s dad had court yesterday. It might not have been his final court date, but he accepted what the state offered - 24 months probation - and got out yesterday evening. Needless to say, my stomach is in knots and anxiety is peaking.

I want to talk to him.

I don’t honestly think it will do any good. I’ve heard all his jail house promises before. I think giving him an earful will only make me feel better for a few minutes, maybe a few days. But I’ll prolly succumb to my yearning and tell him off anyways.

I’ll say: You promised these things before and let everyone down, most of all our daughter. Your actions affect others, most of all our daughter. You haven’t sent any money in years, and that means less for our daughter. I can’t keep being cool with you about child support and visitation when you are screwing up like this. She deserves better. I’ll prolly curse more than I did here, though.

Joy tells me that her Nana said the meds are making her worry more and that they cause her to wet the bed. Are you fucking kidding me?! She has been taking the meds since last December (thanks to him, might I add) and the improvement we’ve seen has been ten-fold. She has never wet the bed. Never. Not when she was 3 and not the week before she left. If any of these things are true, I’d be willing to bet my last dollar that it’s not the meds, but the stress of being there, of her dad going to court and getting out of jail, the change in routine, the being away from me and her family, sleeping in a strange bed/couch/floor, etc. But sure, let’s tell the 9 year old girl that her meds are at fault. Jesus.

Nevermind that Joy, the doctor and I have all discussed the meds at great length, that I (and the rest of my family) have witnessed first-hand how well the meds have worked for her with regards to worrying including the change we see when she misses a dose or two. Forget all that. Let’s take the word of a 44 year old self-medicating grandmother with a middle-school education for her “expert” opinion. Am I wrong for being so bent out of shape about this? What kind of woman tells these things to a child?!

So yeah, I’m really missing my Xanax ’script, cursing the nursing days since that is what keeps me from getting the Xanax again right now. I don’t know how I’m going to sleep until Joy comes home. Just lay awake, waiting for her dad and/or his family to screw this up worse.

Fuck!

Firstly, T and I got into it yesterday. Mostly because I can’t convince her to take school seriously. All I requested was that she hand over her cell phone for the few hours of the day that she should be focusing on school. She dug in her heels and refused, stating that she could do both. Well, the past several months proves otherwise. I hate the tension between us, but I can’t pretend that I’m okay with her just slacking on her schoolwork so’s she can play on MySpace and send text messages all frickin’ day. So, for now, she has no computer privileges and I’ve taken away her allowance. In our home, the allowance is contingent upon doing your “job” as a kid by going to school and doing homework (as opposed to being tied to chores). Natch, she’s pretty upset, but I think I am being more than reasonable.

And last night, Buddha would not go to sleep! He was up until almost 12:30am. Worse, he woke me at 8am this morning. UGH! I suppose it wouldn’t have been too bad, had I went to sleep when he did. But I was up until about 4am myself, starting on my new blanket, the Circles to Square Afghan. Here’s a the pattern image.I’m using the same yarn from the Seija Set (brown, pink and off-white) to make it, though, since I still have so much. I had fully intended on making at least one more Seija afghan, but I’m bored with it after making two already. I can’t decide on the color sequence. I made two squares and I’m going to make a third before deciding. It’s going to be a gift for my mom’s upcoming birthday (Mom, if you are reading, act surprised when I give it to you!). I’m going to hafta hustle - her birthday is in 11 days! In any case, point is that my sweet boy totally conked out in the middle of the living room - something he never does. It was cute enough to share:

Meanwhile, Joy is in Florida. Her being in Florida is not good for my mental health. I have thought so much about xSO because of it, which I loathe. I’m the type of girl who does not remain on friendly terms with ex-boyfriends. They are my ex for a reason! Now, this does not apply to boys I dated a few times (or to CJP - nevermind that we aren’t in touch anyhow - because, well, he’s just different), but rather to those with whom I was in a long-term relationship. Those never end well and for me personally, the break often had to do with me growing up and them, well, not.

Unfortunately, this is not the case with Joy’s dad, as much as I would prefer it to be. We have a child together and contact between us has been necessary. It’s especially true since he’s the type of boy who has never had to do much for himself since there was always someone there to do it for him. I’m referring to things like paying bills, remembering birthdays and other important dates, sending Christmas cards, attending functions at school and church, and so on. When we first moved to Kentucky, I called xSO right away with Joy’s new school calendar information. Of course, by the time December rolled around and it was time for them to visit, he had made absolutely no arrangements and lost the paper he had written the vacation dates on. What makes all of this so infuriating, such the burden that it is for me, is that I am still the glue that keeps them (Joy and xSO) together. And - worse - his actions still affect us.

My stomach has been in knots waiting for the 30th, when he finally goes to sentencing. He’s looking at 3 to 5 years, from my understanding of his charges. And that’s not counting the neighboring county, where he still hasn’t been dealt with at all. I’m hopeful that he serves some amount of time, because it seems to me that it is the only possible solution to stopping his downward spiral. I wish I were in a position to wish him well, ’cause ultimately that’s what I’d really like to see. It’d be better for our daughter and my family. But I have been let down too often to bet on it.

Some time back, xSO’s mother told Joy that xSO’s life fell apart when we left. While it is essentially true, I was totally pissed at the woman for stating such a thing to my daughter. She might has well have said “It’s all your and your mom’s fault that he’s screwing up.” Bullshit! He was always living risky. When we were together, he didn’t live as risky because I was always there to nag him about drinking too much, spending too much on his head and so on. After I left him, that wasn’t my problem anymore and he took it to the extreme. That shit affects us. It affects Joy, it affects me and it also affects Husband and Buddha. None of us should be made to deal with xSO’s selfishness and disregard for responsibility.

Joy said she visited with him in jail. She said they weren’t even in the same room - that she spoke to him over a telephone and that she saw his image on a computer-like monitor. I’m a bit relieved, to be honest. I was concerned that being in close proximity to him and not being allowed to hug him would be upsetting for her. I think the experience she had made it seem less real, more surreal. Like a phone conversation with an overseas friend.

Yeah, so I’m pissed that I’m spending so much energy thinking on and worrying over Joy being there. I’m going to spend some time today folding laundry that I’ve been ignoring for a week and crocheting while watching the 10+ hours I’ve got recorded on the DVR, so hopefully it will not consume me. P and I had considered attending Shakespeare in the Park tonight, but I didn’t get much sleep last night and she just wants to go home and laze in her PJs. So, we’ll try to go another night. I’ll update then with pictures, I’m sure.

Oh yes, and the great irony is that, for whatever reason, my linked images show up in black and white on Internet Explorer. So, if you are viewing the blog on IE, there likely is something wrong with the picture. Go figure.

Oy, whadda day.

This morning, I started a load of laundry and sat down to pay some bills. I got quite a lot accomplished.

After having breakfast, T and I took Buddha with us to do some shopping. I bought enough yarn from the Hobby Lobby to make 4 baby-sized blankets. I wanted very badly to spend more to get some Alpaca yarn and some wool yarn, but I refrained. Afterwards, we hit up Wal*Mart to get some groceries. T bought herself an ear-piercing kit (with her mom’s approval) and later had Husband pierce her ears.

When we got home, Buddha took a short nap. While he was sleeping, I got started on another Neopolitan baby blanket for an online friend. I didn’t get far (starting is always a total pain in the ass and time-consuming, what with all the counting and getting that first row done). When he got up, he would not stop trying to steal the hook or carry off the yarn. I finally gave up. From there, the frustrations started piling on. At least Husband and I got some chores done and all caught up on the bills. Husband left for work and my brother dropped off his daughter a bit later for the night. His daughter has been a total angel, but T and Joy have been bickering and carrying on all damn evening.

And some flowers I ordered for another online pal of mine were delivered on the wrong day so I spent more time that I care to even think about, let alone discuss trying to get things sorted out with the florist. Suffice it to say that I’ve been using teleflora.com for 5 months and spent well over $200 and I was treated like shit. I will never use them again and I will tell anyone that will listen that they shouldn’t use them, either.

Around 6:45pm, Buddha got SUPER grouchy and drove me crazy with his fussing until bedtime at 8pm. We lied down together and dozed while he nursed. I haven’t wished for a Xanax like this in a grip. I wanna be sedated.