I’m Beautiful Like Me.

I really hate taking meds. A lot.

About 2 months ago, I started taking Paxil to help me cope with my anxiety. I’ve done meds before with some success. I did Prozac when I was a teenager. It was meh. About 4 years ago I started taking Lexapro and that worked really well for about a year, at which time it started interfering with my ability to O. Yeah… no. Can’t have that. At that time, I also was prescribed Xanax 3 times per day. I weaned off of the Lexapro and only took the Xanax when I was really super stressed or panicky. Things naturally improved when I rid my life of a lot of stress triggers - namely xSO. I continued with the Xanax until I became pregnant with the boy. It was a hard adjustment at first, but Husband has been so supportive and just plain good for my general mental health.

I do struggle with bouts of depression. My mom thinks it’s a case of the baby blues and sometimes I think that, too. But then back in November I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s and I cannot emphasize the difference I feel now from then. It was kind of a low-blow for me to fully grasp that I’d be taking meds (Synthroid) for the rest of my life, but it has helped immensely. Thyroid disorders can often mimic depression when not under control.

In any case, I started having problems sleeping. I asked my General Practitioner for some help with that and she flat out said “no” because I’m still nursing. So I saw my ob/gyn and he suggested the Paxil and gave me a two week supply of Ambien. I’ve still got about half the bottle of the Ambien. I only use it for desperate, sleepless nights. The Paxil seems to be doing it’s thing as I have slept much better since starting.

Joy starts asking about weaning off the Zoloft she has been taking since December and that led me to thoughts of weaning off of Paxil. Dammit, I just wanna function in life without the assistance of meds! ::sigh:: So, we have those nifty pill keepers that I fill up every Sunday evening for the week ahead. I got Husband to cut my Paxil pills in half and started taking just half a pill each day this past week.

That was stupid.

I can’t quite say that it was just cutting them in half. I felt very PMS-y and pissy most of the week. And sure enough, Aunt Ruby made her monthly appearance today. MyMonthlyCycles calendar says it’s day 28 - right on time. Now, I realize that I may not always notice when I’m irritable, but goodness I could hardly stand myself all week. The girl and I have been at odds (nothing new). Husband and I have bumped heads several times, too, which is very unlike us. And Buddha has been driving me nuts with his incessant curiousity! Most of the time, I can deal just fine with him. I recognize that I’m getting impatient with him and I take a deep breath and center myself. He’s just a curious baby trying to check out his world. He’s still developing his sense of self-control. He doesn’t know how to express himself with words just yet. Deep breath.

Husband has been under quite a bit of stress himself. He is like a rock most of the time - nothing rattles him, y’know. But work has been demanding and he’s cramming this extra math class making it two courses in an 8 week period. Back when we first met, he missed a lot of sleep because we were out or had plans or whatever and he always handled himself with grace. I’ve been in awe of his ability to sleep 3 or 4 hours and not be a complete dickhead (’cause that’s how I would be!). This is different. He’s still way more gracious than I’d ever be, but I can see it’s starting to get to him. Earlier this week, he snapped at me for no good reason whatsoever. Me thinks wifey needs to do something extra for her man to help get him back into his usual groove.

Oh, and that Joy of mine! I just don’t know what to do with her anymore. She is so sassy and at times, she is very mean and self-centered. She and her best friend L have gotten into twice this week. Both times were because Joy wanted things her way and she threw a complete tantrum when she didn’t get it. And I mean tantrum. Throwing herself to the floor with screeching that rivals her baby brother’s. She argues and negotiates with every rule. Every day, every.single.day she asks to do things that household rules expressly forbid (like eating in the livingroom, for example) dozens of times. I’m so tired of repeating myself!

She leaves tomorrow afternoon to spend 6 weeks with her Nana in Florida. I’m extremely reluctant about it on the one hand, but on the other (did you read that last paragraph?!) I’m counting the minutes. Her dad is in jail. He has sentencing in the county where he is currently incarcerated on the 30th. If - God forbid - he gets out at that time, the neighboring county wants him in their jail, too. Chances of him getting out are slim. From my understanding (which is limited, I know), he’s facing 3-5 years. I’ve given her Nana specific instruction that Joy is expressly prohibited from being alone with her dad. She doesn’t need to be witness to any more of his, erm… shenanigans. She can visit with the rest of his family and go visit with him in jail. The girl and I have had an extensive conversation about what it might be like to visit with him while he’s incarcerated. She’s very dismissive of the subject. I don’t think she realizes how difficult it is going to be to see him in jail, to not be able to touch him or hug him. It breaks my heart. I hope the reality is sobering for her dad, literally and figuratively.

Buddha has been keeping a really kooky schedule this week, too. He outright refused to take a nap one afternoon and while he wasn’t as cranky as I anticipated, the real dream was how easy he went to sleep. So we decided to maybe squash the nap. Then, of course, yesterday he got a nap and did not want to go to sleep last night. I wanted to pull my hair out, I was so frustrated from laying in the quiet, dark room for 2 hours trying to get him to settle down and crash out.

And it’s affected my sleep. I’ve been up until at least 3am every one of the last three nights. Yesterday morning, Joy decided to “help” me sleep in by taking her brother out of our bed and into the livingroom to play. Hours later, as she and I came home from the library, Husband described Buddha’s accident. He lifted him up to carry him and a bizarre, foul-smelling liquid came smooshing out of all sides of his diaper. Accusingly, he asked me “What the hell have you been feeding him?! It looked like runny chicken and beans.” Nope, fed him nothing of the sort. Turns out that Joy gave him juice and raisins. Nevermind that I never ever ever give the boy juice, but if I did, I’d cut it to hell and back - 1 part juice per 10 parts (or more) of water. She not only didn’t cut it, she gave him two 4 oz. bottles of it! As an aside, I only have juice because WIC gave it to us. I figured it wouldn’t go bad before his third birthday. So, yeah, thanks for helping honey. I wanted to wring her neck, but instead I informed her that juice is too sweet for Buddha and that he could choke to death on raisins so please don’t do that again. “If you haven’t seen me feed it to him, don’t feed it to him, okay?”

Anyhow, I’ve resumed taking the entire Paxil pill as of this morning. Hopefully it won’t take more than a few days to not feel irate with the world. I’m sure that getting a bit of a break will help as well. Husband’s last day of school is Tuesday (it was supposed to be last week, but the week was extended when all the computers were down at last class meeting), Joy is leaving tomorrow and T is going to P’s on Tuesday to babysit for several hours. Assuming the boy sleeps well for me, I should get to steal away a few hours to myself. That’d be great - the DVR is full of shows I’ve recorded and I borrowed a book from the library. And there’s that cupcake I want to finish crocheting!

Well, I finally dragged my pathetic self to the doctor on the 8th. The doctor was pleasingly sympathetic. She gave me Keplex (a broad-spectrum antibiotic), Medrol (a steroid) and Tussionex (cough syrup with hydrocodone). I felt markedly better the next day and spent most of that day vacuuming, spraying every touchable surface with Lysol and washing everything in the house, including our bed linens. Today is the last day of my antibiotics, and while I do feel so much better, my right ear and my throat hurts today. I am supposed to meet with the doctor again this Thursday to check out that the funk has, indeed, left. Keep your fingers crossed!

We’ve spent quite a bit of time focusing on getting T caught up in her classes. I was under the impression that she was doing fine. Not so much! She was so far behind in one of her classes that we pulled her out of it. She’s still quite a bit behind, but she should be back on track by this Wednesday.

Joy is almost finished with her school year. I have gotten several of her test scores back and she is either proficient or distinguished in all subjects. I’m quite pleased. She is a naturally good speller and while she struggles with math, she is capable of doing well in that area, too. If only I could get her to read more at home without the fight! Reading really is such a pleasure, it sucks that it’s an argument to get her to get started. Once she’s into a book, though, she usually finds herself really enjoying it. It is also a conflict to get her to do Plato - the free online tutoring the school provided. She doesn’t really need it, but it certainly isn’t going to hurt.

The boy has 3 molars now! He seems to be jumping dozens of hurdles on the daily. He danced yesterday! And he is saying more words. He still doesn’t sign much, but he seems to understand the words we are signing to him. And he has a very healthy appetite. I can’t get over it. I swear the time has just flown by. Seems like only yesterday I had a sleepy newborn. Now I have a boisterous and busy toddler. He is so full of personality. And he absolutely adores his sister to pieces.

We haven’t been doing much since we have been all burdened by this illness. However, my friend P insisted that we accompany her to the park last week. We went along and had a good time, but we did not stay for nearly as long as we normally do. We were all winded rather quickly!

And yesterday we joined P, her girls and our old friend S and her daughter to Forest Fest. It’s a bluegrass festival in Jefferson County Memorial Forest, the nation’s largest municipal forest. Legendary Bluegrass icon Dr. Ralph Stanley appeared and performed. We didn’t stay to see him, which both saddened me and was a relief. We were there for several hours and I was exhausted from chasing Buddha around. We did, however, see Bluegrass 101 and Kentucky Sassafras play.

The particular spot we chose was to the far left of the stage but near the road. About an hour before we left, Dr. Stanley’s tour bus pulled in just behind our spot and his entourage began congregating and crowding in behind us. They ended up setting up a table for CD and t-shirt sales right behind us.

T gets Joy with sunblock.

P is forever doing chores while we are supposed to be having fun. When we were partying teenagers, everyone would be goofing off and P would be in the kitchen doing dishes. Here she is paying bills. That’s S and her daughter in the background. Also, you can see some of Buddha and P’s youngest daughter C.

P’s oldest daughter, L.

S and her daughter, P’s youngest C and the boy.

S’s daughter and Buddha. He was really into this wagon. I’ma hafta get him one!

Joy standing in line for one of the activities.

Joy poses with a nifty stone chair and table.

T, the girl and the boy stand in line for organic coffee.

The boy found a pinecone.

The girl making a visor.

T entertains Buddha for a while. He doesn’t look very entertained.

Dr. Stanley’s tour bus.

Buddha and I take a break to nurse. Pay no attention to flabby, stretch-marked belly.

The boy and his fascination with the wagon. The people just beyond him are Dr. Stanley’s posse.

Joy and her best friend, P’s oldest L.

T gave the boy a tube of chapstick, which kept him busy for several minutes.

You can see the stage to the right.

No idea WTH T is doing. Weirdo.

A good shot of the stage and our view of it.

It’s Kentucky Sassafras up there playing. Great music! There was a pretty good crowd, too. We just stayed away from it as best we could.

I was pleased by the diversity of the crowd. There were hippies, old folks, rednecks, teenagers, a lot of kids. Turned out that I knew the people just in front of us, too! Small world.

Last Thursday was Husband’s 27th birthday. Unfortunately, he had to work. On the Monday before, we had a WIC appointment and afterwards, we talked about his gift. I wanted to get him a new stereo for his car - the kind with USB port and/or an SD card reader, so that he could play mp3s. None of us listens to the radio anymore and CDs are so cumbersome. Besides, it’s what he’s wanted since I met him. However, I have no idea how to pick high-tech gadgets for the pickiest of picky high-tech gadget dorks! So, I told him my idea but said that if there was something else or better that he wanted, that was alright with me too. He gave me a big squeeze and said that I was the best wife ever. Needless to say, this made me feel great since I had internal conflicts for weeks now about how to get him a gift he could love, use and appreciate! He decided he really wanted to get a PDA and that he would save up for it. I also set him an appointment to take the class so he can get his CCDW again. That made him really happy, too. On his actual birthday, I squeezed him and wished him a great day. I wish I could’ve done more, though.

I finished another blanket, which I gave to an online buddy of mine. It’s just like the blanket I made for my niece, only the border is different (scalloped edges instead of the braid). I mailed that to her on Wednesday. I’ve been meaning to get started on another project for another internet buddy, but haven’t gotten to it yet. I need to type out the instructions for it since all the abbreviations confuse the hell outta me. I have enough yarn to make two of these blankets. I intend to keep one of them for the boy. It’s a granny square project - my first one! - and I’m ready to learn how to do that now. I have no idea what I’ll do after that, but I have gobs of yarn, so it’ll be something.

Oh goodness.

Sweet Buddha has been teething. And then he got sick. And then I got sick. And we are all still sick.

It has been absolute hell. I have closed my eyes shut tight and asked the Lord to please take me out of my misery now. My body aches have been so thoroughly awful, that even my skin hurt. My nose is stuffed, breathing is difficult, coughing so hard my ribs feel cracked, throat so raw it feels like sandblasting every time I swallow…

I have gargled salt water, cayenne water, apple cider vinegar water, consumed spoonfuls of honey, sucked down glass after glass of tea, orange juice, water, hot tea, trying to alternate between hot and cold to burn and freeze the throat. My sinus cavities feel painfully dry. Utter misery, I say.

I ate very little in the past two days. Chicken soup and very wet, buttered toast. I am hungry now, but all food sounds painful to eat. I am nursing a mug of Madagascar Vanilla Red hot tea sweetened with two spoonfuls of honey. It’s surprisingly not repulsive.

The girl is reading in her room. The boy is asleep on my bed. I hear them both cough from time to time. Husband is working. T is at a concert with Big R.

And the tragedy of Eight Belles haunts me.