I’m Beautiful Like Me.

Firstly, T and I got into it yesterday. Mostly because I can’t convince her to take school seriously. All I requested was that she hand over her cell phone for the few hours of the day that she should be focusing on school. She dug in her heels and refused, stating that she could do both. Well, the past several months proves otherwise. I hate the tension between us, but I can’t pretend that I’m okay with her just slacking on her schoolwork so’s she can play on MySpace and send text messages all frickin’ day. So, for now, she has no computer privileges and I’ve taken away her allowance. In our home, the allowance is contingent upon doing your “job” as a kid by going to school and doing homework (as opposed to being tied to chores). Natch, she’s pretty upset, but I think I am being more than reasonable.

And last night, Buddha would not go to sleep! He was up until almost 12:30am. Worse, he woke me at 8am this morning. UGH! I suppose it wouldn’t have been too bad, had I went to sleep when he did. But I was up until about 4am myself, starting on my new blanket, the Circles to Square Afghan. Here’s a the pattern image.I’m using the same yarn from the Seija Set (brown, pink and off-white) to make it, though, since I still have so much. I had fully intended on making at least one more Seija afghan, but I’m bored with it after making two already. I can’t decide on the color sequence. I made two squares and I’m going to make a third before deciding. It’s going to be a gift for my mom’s upcoming birthday (Mom, if you are reading, act surprised when I give it to you!). I’m going to hafta hustle - her birthday is in 11 days! In any case, point is that my sweet boy totally conked out in the middle of the living room - something he never does. It was cute enough to share:

Meanwhile, Joy is in Florida. Her being in Florida is not good for my mental health. I have thought so much about xSO because of it, which I loathe. I’m the type of girl who does not remain on friendly terms with ex-boyfriends. They are my ex for a reason! Now, this does not apply to boys I dated a few times (or to CJP - nevermind that we aren’t in touch anyhow - because, well, he’s just different), but rather to those with whom I was in a long-term relationship. Those never end well and for me personally, the break often had to do with me growing up and them, well, not.

Unfortunately, this is not the case with Joy’s dad, as much as I would prefer it to be. We have a child together and contact between us has been necessary. It’s especially true since he’s the type of boy who has never had to do much for himself since there was always someone there to do it for him. I’m referring to things like paying bills, remembering birthdays and other important dates, sending Christmas cards, attending functions at school and church, and so on. When we first moved to Kentucky, I called xSO right away with Joy’s new school calendar information. Of course, by the time December rolled around and it was time for them to visit, he had made absolutely no arrangements and lost the paper he had written the vacation dates on. What makes all of this so infuriating, such the burden that it is for me, is that I am still the glue that keeps them (Joy and xSO) together. And - worse - his actions still affect us.

My stomach has been in knots waiting for the 30th, when he finally goes to sentencing. He’s looking at 3 to 5 years, from my understanding of his charges. And that’s not counting the neighboring county, where he still hasn’t been dealt with at all. I’m hopeful that he serves some amount of time, because it seems to me that it is the only possible solution to stopping his downward spiral. I wish I were in a position to wish him well, ’cause ultimately that’s what I’d really like to see. It’d be better for our daughter and my family. But I have been let down too often to bet on it.

Some time back, xSO’s mother told Joy that xSO’s life fell apart when we left. While it is essentially true, I was totally pissed at the woman for stating such a thing to my daughter. She might has well have said “It’s all your and your mom’s fault that he’s screwing up.” Bullshit! He was always living risky. When we were together, he didn’t live as risky because I was always there to nag him about drinking too much, spending too much on his head and so on. After I left him, that wasn’t my problem anymore and he took it to the extreme. That shit affects us. It affects Joy, it affects me and it also affects Husband and Buddha. None of us should be made to deal with xSO’s selfishness and disregard for responsibility.

Joy said she visited with him in jail. She said they weren’t even in the same room - that she spoke to him over a telephone and that she saw his image on a computer-like monitor. I’m a bit relieved, to be honest. I was concerned that being in close proximity to him and not being allowed to hug him would be upsetting for her. I think the experience she had made it seem less real, more surreal. Like a phone conversation with an overseas friend.

Yeah, so I’m pissed that I’m spending so much energy thinking on and worrying over Joy being there. I’m going to spend some time today folding laundry that I’ve been ignoring for a week and crocheting while watching the 10+ hours I’ve got recorded on the DVR, so hopefully it will not consume me. P and I had considered attending Shakespeare in the Park tonight, but I didn’t get much sleep last night and she just wants to go home and laze in her PJs. So, we’ll try to go another night. I’ll update then with pictures, I’m sure.

Oh yes, and the great irony is that, for whatever reason, my linked images show up in black and white on Internet Explorer. So, if you are viewing the blog on IE, there likely is something wrong with the picture. Go figure.

I really hate taking meds. A lot.

About 2 months ago, I started taking Paxil to help me cope with my anxiety. I’ve done meds before with some success. I did Prozac when I was a teenager. It was meh. About 4 years ago I started taking Lexapro and that worked really well for about a year, at which time it started interfering with my ability to O. Yeah… no. Can’t have that. At that time, I also was prescribed Xanax 3 times per day. I weaned off of the Lexapro and only took the Xanax when I was really super stressed or panicky. Things naturally improved when I rid my life of a lot of stress triggers - namely xSO. I continued with the Xanax until I became pregnant with the boy. It was a hard adjustment at first, but Husband has been so supportive and just plain good for my general mental health.

I do struggle with bouts of depression. My mom thinks it’s a case of the baby blues and sometimes I think that, too. But then back in November I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s and I cannot emphasize the difference I feel now from then. It was kind of a low-blow for me to fully grasp that I’d be taking meds (Synthroid) for the rest of my life, but it has helped immensely. Thyroid disorders can often mimic depression when not under control.

In any case, I started having problems sleeping. I asked my General Practitioner for some help with that and she flat out said “no” because I’m still nursing. So I saw my ob/gyn and he suggested the Paxil and gave me a two week supply of Ambien. I’ve still got about half the bottle of the Ambien. I only use it for desperate, sleepless nights. The Paxil seems to be doing it’s thing as I have slept much better since starting.

Joy starts asking about weaning off the Zoloft she has been taking since December and that led me to thoughts of weaning off of Paxil. Dammit, I just wanna function in life without the assistance of meds! ::sigh:: So, we have those nifty pill keepers that I fill up every Sunday evening for the week ahead. I got Husband to cut my Paxil pills in half and started taking just half a pill each day this past week.

That was stupid.

I can’t quite say that it was just cutting them in half. I felt very PMS-y and pissy most of the week. And sure enough, Aunt Ruby made her monthly appearance today. MyMonthlyCycles calendar says it’s day 28 - right on time. Now, I realize that I may not always notice when I’m irritable, but goodness I could hardly stand myself all week. The girl and I have been at odds (nothing new). Husband and I have bumped heads several times, too, which is very unlike us. And Buddha has been driving me nuts with his incessant curiousity! Most of the time, I can deal just fine with him. I recognize that I’m getting impatient with him and I take a deep breath and center myself. He’s just a curious baby trying to check out his world. He’s still developing his sense of self-control. He doesn’t know how to express himself with words just yet. Deep breath.

Husband has been under quite a bit of stress himself. He is like a rock most of the time - nothing rattles him, y’know. But work has been demanding and he’s cramming this extra math class making it two courses in an 8 week period. Back when we first met, he missed a lot of sleep because we were out or had plans or whatever and he always handled himself with grace. I’ve been in awe of his ability to sleep 3 or 4 hours and not be a complete dickhead (’cause that’s how I would be!). This is different. He’s still way more gracious than I’d ever be, but I can see it’s starting to get to him. Earlier this week, he snapped at me for no good reason whatsoever. Me thinks wifey needs to do something extra for her man to help get him back into his usual groove.

Oh, and that Joy of mine! I just don’t know what to do with her anymore. She is so sassy and at times, she is very mean and self-centered. She and her best friend L have gotten into twice this week. Both times were because Joy wanted things her way and she threw a complete tantrum when she didn’t get it. And I mean tantrum. Throwing herself to the floor with screeching that rivals her baby brother’s. She argues and negotiates with every rule. Every day, every.single.day she asks to do things that household rules expressly forbid (like eating in the livingroom, for example) dozens of times. I’m so tired of repeating myself!

She leaves tomorrow afternoon to spend 6 weeks with her Nana in Florida. I’m extremely reluctant about it on the one hand, but on the other (did you read that last paragraph?!) I’m counting the minutes. Her dad is in jail. He has sentencing in the county where he is currently incarcerated on the 30th. If - God forbid - he gets out at that time, the neighboring county wants him in their jail, too. Chances of him getting out are slim. From my understanding (which is limited, I know), he’s facing 3-5 years. I’ve given her Nana specific instruction that Joy is expressly prohibited from being alone with her dad. She doesn’t need to be witness to any more of his, erm… shenanigans. She can visit with the rest of his family and go visit with him in jail. The girl and I have had an extensive conversation about what it might be like to visit with him while he’s incarcerated. She’s very dismissive of the subject. I don’t think she realizes how difficult it is going to be to see him in jail, to not be able to touch him or hug him. It breaks my heart. I hope the reality is sobering for her dad, literally and figuratively.

Buddha has been keeping a really kooky schedule this week, too. He outright refused to take a nap one afternoon and while he wasn’t as cranky as I anticipated, the real dream was how easy he went to sleep. So we decided to maybe squash the nap. Then, of course, yesterday he got a nap and did not want to go to sleep last night. I wanted to pull my hair out, I was so frustrated from laying in the quiet, dark room for 2 hours trying to get him to settle down and crash out.

And it’s affected my sleep. I’ve been up until at least 3am every one of the last three nights. Yesterday morning, Joy decided to “help” me sleep in by taking her brother out of our bed and into the livingroom to play. Hours later, as she and I came home from the library, Husband described Buddha’s accident. He lifted him up to carry him and a bizarre, foul-smelling liquid came smooshing out of all sides of his diaper. Accusingly, he asked me “What the hell have you been feeding him?! It looked like runny chicken and beans.” Nope, fed him nothing of the sort. Turns out that Joy gave him juice and raisins. Nevermind that I never ever ever give the boy juice, but if I did, I’d cut it to hell and back - 1 part juice per 10 parts (or more) of water. She not only didn’t cut it, she gave him two 4 oz. bottles of it! As an aside, I only have juice because WIC gave it to us. I figured it wouldn’t go bad before his third birthday. So, yeah, thanks for helping honey. I wanted to wring her neck, but instead I informed her that juice is too sweet for Buddha and that he could choke to death on raisins so please don’t do that again. “If you haven’t seen me feed it to him, don’t feed it to him, okay?”

Anyhow, I’ve resumed taking the entire Paxil pill as of this morning. Hopefully it won’t take more than a few days to not feel irate with the world. I’m sure that getting a bit of a break will help as well. Husband’s last day of school is Tuesday (it was supposed to be last week, but the week was extended when all the computers were down at last class meeting), Joy is leaving tomorrow and T is going to P’s on Tuesday to babysit for several hours. Assuming the boy sleeps well for me, I should get to steal away a few hours to myself. That’d be great - the DVR is full of shows I’ve recorded and I borrowed a book from the library. And there’s that cupcake I want to finish crocheting!

The last several weeks have been rather dull.

I have been working on a supersecret crochet project, but once the surprise is out, I will share those details.

The girl is out of school and did very well. She will be a fourth grader this fall. I’ve gotten her involved in a couple of summer reading programs. We went to the library and she showed ambition by checking out dozens of books. She’s almost finished her first one. We are likely not going to be able to send her to the in-laws for the summer. I’m hesitant to let her dad’s family take her, though I likely will. Sigh.

Buddha is becoming a real challenge. He is growing so fast and curious about everything. He keeps me on my toes all.day.long! He’s starting to learn new words, which is exciting and fun. He says “rock” and “cup” about the right things. It’s pretty cool watching those connections.

One morning earlier this week, I woke up before Buddha. I made myself a couple of sausage biscuits and an extra piece of sausage for him, because he loves it so. I left it on the kitchen counter on a paper plate. He got up an hour or so later and eventually went to the counter and pulled the plate down. I found him on the kitchen floor eating the sausage, just like this.

T is also a challenge sometimes. We got into a couple of blow-out fights. She apologized both times and understands why things are the way they are. She is dealing with the shit as it comes. It’s hard when you are a teen and just want to play and have fun. I understand that aspect of it. We are making progress.

On Monday, Husband and I met with a fellow from our bank to see about pre-qualifying for a first-time home loan. We’ve been working on fixing our credit and Husband’s income has increased since we last inquired a year ago, so we were hopeful. Unfortunately, some of the debt I’ve since reconciled did not come off of my report, so I have requested letters from respective companies stating that debts were reconciled.

A new debt showed up on the report. An outstanding medical debt from the girl from 2004 for almost $800. I was forced to call xSO’s mom to ask for some help with that. I am afraid it is going to stand between us and our first home. Made me rather nauseated yesterday, as I traced the debt back to it’s origin. I was under the impression that it was from some lab work I received back in November because the credit report shows it originating 11/2007. Really ridiculous, the hoops I jumped through to find out what the fuck was going on. By the end of the day, I had a stomachache and a migraine.

Anyhow, guy from the bank said he wanted to wait until Husband had at least a year on the job (which he will be on Aug 5) before proceeding. In that time, I should be able to get together letters of debt reconciliation (’cept for the one for the medical bill) and write to the 3 credit reporting agencies, requesting that they review the accounts and reevaluate my credit score. I remain hopeful.

We had hoped to be able to move over the summer. Since that was our original plan, I decided it might be best for the girl to stay here for the summer and be a part of all that. Last summer she was gone during our move here and she felt disconnected and excluded from things. I didn’t want a repeat of that. However, since we are going to hang in here until at least August, I decided to talk to xSO’s mom about girl visiting there for the summer. I’m extremely reluctant because we’ve made so much progress since the last incident in FL with xSO. The girl is ready to talk to the psych about discontinuing meds on the 16th. I gave xSO’s mom some conditions and she was willing to promise adhering to them. Still, I’m hesitant. I agreed to the visit, but I swear to God on my very soul that if they fuck up again, it will be a cold day in Hell before she is allowed to visit there again.

We did take the kids bowling again and I’ve been taking trips to the nearby park with P and her girls. Here are some pics.

Buddha with his stick.

T and C, P’s youngest.

Joy and her best friend, L.

T and Joy.

Joy.

Joy and L.

The whole lot of them.And for good measure, Husband.