I’m Beautiful Like Me.

Buddha’s leg is broken. Refresher here. Needless to say, I feel like the World’s Worst Mama.

Joy was late for school this morning. We all piled in the Jeep at 8:45am, dropped Joy to school, made a deposit at the bank, stopped at the gas station and went to Buddha’s appointment.

From there, we were sent downtown to the Children’s Hospital for X-rays. He hated the X-rays. I cried with him.

They wouldn’t give me the results and I couldn’t get the doctor’s office on the phone. Lots of freaking out ensued. The radiologist tech was awesome, though and made it happen. The NP we saw at the doctor’s office confirmed that his right tibia is fractured.

We waited around for films to be developed to take to orthopedics. Naturally stressed out, I went outside and off hospital campus for a smoke. On my way back in, I fell and busted my knee up something horrid. It’s all swollen and wicked red.

Then to the orthopedic office. But wait! No one is home to get Joy off the school bus. ARGH! Rushed over to pick her up from school, then to the pediatric orthopedic office clear back the other side of town. We were in that office for over 3 hours. Both of my kids made me proud by being extremely well-behaved. Buddha was in good spirits, particularly considering the injury and the strong negative reaction he had to the X-ray procedures. Finally, at long last, he was seen by the doctor and casted. He didn’t much care for that whole ordeal, either.

My poor baby.

It was 6:30pm when we left the office. We stopped at McDonald’s for dinner. I ran into yet another familiar (and beautiful) face, which lifted my mood a bit. I wish we could’ve visited longer. It was 7:30pm by the time we got home. Husband, the boy and I are thoroughly exhausted. We are going to crawl on the couch and watch television for the remainder of the evening.

This morning, I reached frustration boiling point. I was in the middle of sorting through affiliate links to add to the websites and coding the pages when my darling son turned off my computer. None of my work was saved, so I stormed off into the isolation of my bedroom, closed the door behind me and cried a spell. It was cleansing.

The hard reality is that I cannot make a livable income from home. At least not yet. A supplemental income, sure, but not something that will sustain us.

Did I forget to mention that Husband lost his job yet again?

Well, he did. Geek Squad City terminated his temp position because he “took extended breaks.” Bullshit! His “extended breaks” would be taking the actual allotted amount since he typically takes shorter breaks than offered. My take is that they were pissed they were proven wrong for firing him to begin with and basically forced to take him back.

And here is how it went:

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Goodness, but I was in a shit-foul mood yesterday. I’m blaming the weaning of Paxil. I’ve been handling this on my own since we lost out insurance and since this is the last bottle I’m going to be able to get for who-knows how long. I started by skipping the dose every other day. It’s been about ten days of that. This week I started splitting them in half and continuing with the every other day dose. My head has been spinning with this weird vertigo feeling for days now.

There was much to do yesterday and I really only wanted to hide out at home all day. I went to the store to get some smokes, got all the way there and realized I’d left the money with Husband (whom I begged to go for me). Drove back home, got the money and Husband’s credit card (which he insisted I use instead of the money since we are so farkin’ broke for at least another ten days), went back to the store and was told I couldn’t use the card since my name isn’t on it. All of this occurred with kids in tow, as I expected to head over to Indiana afterwards to retrieve items we’d left at Sonnie’s the day before. I drove back home and had a breakdown. Husband tried to calm me, but I just wanted to be left the hell alone. Just go get me some smokes! If he would’ve just went in the first place, as I had asked…

Wouldn’t it figure that he went all the way to Indiana after getting the cigarettes instead of bringing them back to me?

I was so full of anger. I called ex-significant other (xSO) thinking I’d yell and scream at him about child support and maybe feel better. He was full of the usual excuses - everyone wants his money (and, of course, they are all far more important than his daughter), work is scarce, blah blah blah. I yelled, but it was unsatisfying. I told him as much and hung up.

Earlier, my mom and brother called while I was doing something or other and insisted that I google something for them. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t have minded, but I was doing something and was annoyed since I knew they had access to a computer and google themselves. Big Rob says “This is just easier.” I says “For who?!”

When Husband got back home, the boy was asleep and the girl complained of not feeling well. I recommended she lie down for a bit and surprisingly, she did. After they had been asleep about an hour, I lied down as well, feeling rather icky myself. I slept until almost 8pm. I felt immensely better and markedly less cranky, too. Head still swimming, though.

I wonder if it wouldn’t be easier to just stop the meds cold turkey. I imagine I’d be rather ugly for a week or two, but it (might) would be worth it if I could just get rid of this awful dizzy feeling that is nauseating.

At least Husband went back to work today. Having income again should (hopefully) relieve a lot of stress.