I have always been the type of person who runs away when the shit hits the fan. It’s instinctual for me. When the going gets tough, tata gets going. I’m almost 31 years old now, so it really isn’t very grown-up of me to behave as such anymore. Besides, it isn’t very effective, as it never accomplishes what I’m really hoping for: escape from the ugly thoughts and feelings that consume me.
Today, I’ve wanted to run away again. Instead, I’ve distracted myself as much as humanly possible from my feelings and thoughts. I watched a movie, read in the bathroom and knitted on my sock at every possible opportunity. I did go out for a bit earlier, looking for a job. I cried in between one place and the next, as I felt (warning: teen angst years relived) that all of this was totally fucking unfair. This is not how I wanted to return to the workforce. I have a college degree! I shouldn’t be waiting tables or pushing a mop, dammit.
Alas, I will do what I must, I s’pose. Growing up and all that jazz.
Buddha not feeling well has been a bit of a mixed blessing. I have swung from one extreme to the next on the inside - wanting to wallow around in self-pity and wanting to become wholly distracted (thereby escaping) from all the shit. When the meds wear off, he’s whiny and clingy and inconsolable ‘cept at the boobie. When I’ve held him and rocked him, he calms for a few minutes and I’m consumed with thoughts of sympathy for my poor boy. But when he insists on lying down for milk, my mind wanders into misery and I wish I were anywhere else.
In any case, I don’t want to be here too long (’cause it’s hard not to think about all the things I don’t want to think about). I’m just testing out the new blog software Windows Live Writer. Earlier I read BlogBloke’s recommendation for it in my Google Reader and thought it would be a good distraction to try something new. So far, I dig it. Hell, I dig all things BlogBloke (If you haven’t yet, you should check out his blog).
Since I’m here, I thought I’d share sock progress pictures. The first is from this morning before I started and the second is how much I’ve done today. Once I publish, I’m going back to work on it. Well, at least until I reach the heel. After that, I’ll be stuck and must wait until I can get to Sunergos again for help. Maybe I’ll finish one of my many other projects. Or make some leg warmers.
August 26th, 2008 at 1:23 am
What’s your degree in? I have a BA in History and was qualified to work as a teacher’s assistant because I had the required number of years of college. I didn’t make a lot of money, but it was a cool job.
August 23rd, 2008 at 9:23 pm
nice.. thats very unique,, could u make a sweater from that?? is that hard??
visit me at
http://crimeroom.blogspot.com/
August 23rd, 2008 at 12:23 pm
hi your blog look cool and it’s really funky….i like it
Whenever i have time, i’ll drop in and comment
August 23rd, 2008 at 10:36 am
Hey, noone likes their job. Take some small comfort in the fact that all employees are equally unhappy!
August 23rd, 2008 at 8:27 am
It sucks when we have to act like grownups.
For me my bed is so welcoming when I am having an off day. It takes a lot of effort to not go crawl back under the covers.
August 23rd, 2008 at 2:13 am
Hi there Tata! Welcome the Blokester Network and thanks so much for the mention!
I hope I’m not being forward here but you sound like you might be suffering from post-partem. I know what depression feels like and it sounds like you are overwhelmed. Perhaps a local support group might available in your area?
Anyhow, always remember you are blessed with two beautiful children. There is nothing more sacred or important that we can do in life. They are precious and remember to enjoy them (in between the crying and the diapers
I also know what it’s like to feel undervalued as an employee (or a potential employee). I’m older than you are and I still feel like that even at my age.
Cheers!
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:23 pm
Hang in there tata, i think i understand your feelings and I’m also unemployed right now and it can really suck. I’ve decided to enjoy this time, no matter what.