I’m Beautiful Like Me.

It’s been a long time since I looked forward to a movie.

I will most certainly see this in the theater.

Tom is in it!!!

So I guess I best check in!

It’s been one helluva summer. Between the dental work, the battle of the sicky-ickies and the depression, it’s really some wonder that I renewed my domain for another year. I promise to ramble a lot. It may get deep and sad and troublesome. I promise it’ll get better. It always does.

If you read my last post, you know that overcoming the fear associated with all-things-dentist has been nothing short of monumental for me. I have a long-ass way to go, too. But I’m dealing. Dr. P (the shrink) is giving me Xanax, which alleviates my pre-appointment anxieties somewhat. I suck it up and just do it.

Back in May, Dr. P prescribed me Zoloft. After nearly three months on it, I realized that it was making things a LOT worse. I had lost all desire to do the things I normally do. I was beginning to have really weird affects from watching the reality cop shows (like Forensic Files) I watch, too. After getting sick in early July and again in mid-July with a bout of vomiting and diarrhea, I was starting to obsess about germs: Was my food contaminated? Was I contracting the ick from the borked weather we’ve experienced this summer? We were turning the air off and opening windows and alternating back again a lot. Was it allergies? Am I allergic to outside atmosphere? Was my husband poisoning me? Was I not thorough enough when washing dishes and/or laundry? Was I ingesting toxins in my sleep (I have a history of sleep-walking)?

The shit was seriously disturbing.

If you know nothing else about OCD, it’s important that you at least know that there is no rationalizing with it. I knew most - if not all - of those scenarios is totally bogus. But I couldn’t stop obsessing about them. I wasn’t sleeping. The daytime hours were okay, because I could distract myself with television or internet or taking the kids to the park or whatever. But turn out the lights, lie in bed and my head would start reeling in a million different directions, especially during those endless days of feeling like knives were in my guts with the certainly that I’d never be able to eat a steak or Mexican food again.

Dr. P took me off the Zoloft and switched me to Celexa. He gave me some Ambien to help me sleep. I cried like a baby when I told him that I had suicidal thoughts. Not the same kind of suicidal thoughts I’d had when I was a kid wherein I actually think about ways to off myself. These kind were (let’s face it - are) more along the lines of feeling like there isn’t much to live for, that the world is hard and no matter how great a thing I do, in the grand scheme of time and space, none of it will really matter.

Unfortunately, the Ambien is evil. However, things are improving slightly. Despite not taking the Ambien, I’m sleeping better and obsessing less.

The hardest part of this depression verses the depressions I’ve experienced before are twofold: I’ve felt extremely anti-social (save for online socializing) and I can’t really discern why I’m depressed. Typically for me, when I’ve felt down in the past, it’s my style to call a friend and ramble on about my various complaints. Perhaps it’s because I can’t really pinpoint anything (except for perhaps financial reasons) that is making me feel sad and obsessive that is causing me to feel anti-social. I dunno.

The truth is, life ain’t so bad. Sure, I may never cause the profound changes in the world like, say, Martin Luther King, Jr. But I’m married to a wonderful, smart, funny man (who would never poison me), I have two healthy and happy kids (who aren’t really trying to make me crazier) and we have clean water, food, shelter, a number of creature comforts, friends and damn near all the makings of the American Dream.

I’ve won a substantial amount of scholarships and grants to go back to school. I have an appointment with an advisor in a week and based on how that goes, I’ll finally decide whether I’ll go back to school. I’m absolutely terrified that I’ll feel overwhelmed. After all, it’s been a task this summer just to drag my ass to the library to check out books I’ve never read. It’s been three and a half years since I’ve been in school full-time and if the circumstances aren’t just right for me to ease back into it, I’m afraid I’ll have to decline. Husband is still in school and trying (and somewhat succeeding) to beef up his own business. We have a toddler that requires a lot of my energy. A lot of my energy. Yeah, I’m intimidated by the prospect of being a full-time student again!

I’m knitting again. I’ve even been out to Knit Night. I’ve gotten a ton of compliments on the fingerless gloves I recently whipped out and am strongly considering starting a business on Etsy to sell items, but I’ve got to work out some details with copyright permissions and designs. I’d be absolutely tickled pink to earn some cash doing something that I love and is so therapeutic! It certainly wouldn’t sustain us by any means, but it would allow me to help contribute something to the household finances.

On July 30, Husband and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary. Since finances are tight and we don’t really have access to a babysitter, we didn’t get an opportunity to do anything special. A friend offered to watch Buddha and Joy tonight, so we’re going out to have dinner. I’m pretty excited! Afterwards, another friend is coming by and we’ll have a few drinks. Last weekend, we had a friend over for dinner. See, I’m starting to be a little more sociable!

I’ll even be making an extra effort to blog more, if only to post my knitting adventures or pictures of our food from dinner tonight or to carry on and on about how amazingly fast Buddha is learning. I could certainly fill a few pages with that alone!

Hope you have a great weekend

It all began when I was 6-8 years old. I didn’t have my adult front teeth for long. I was in an accident and lost my front right tooth and root. A kindly stranger helped me, put my tooth and root on ice, called my folks and took me to meet them at the local dentist. The dentist gave me an artificial root (mine had died in the meantime) and shoved my tooth back into my face. He told my parents that I would need to grow more before real repairs could be made at around age 12 or 13.

I was devastated by my ugly smile. I stopped caring properly for my teeth. By the time I was 12, my parents divorced. My dad’s insurance would have covered the dental repairs but he was afraid of the dentist and wouldn’t take me.

At age 15, my mom took me to the University of Louisville School of Dentistry to finally get my smile fixed. She could afford it, but since it was a school and since I had neglected caring for my teeth properly for so many years, they wanted to take care of my many cavities first. Mom took me to that place once every other week or so for the next two and a half years.

My worst experience there was early. I had to have that front tooth pulled back out. Over the years, it had fused with my upper jaw bone. Under local anesthetic only, they pulled it. I truly regret that I hadn’t begged to be put out for that. It took nearly an hour to remove it entirely. I feel sick just thinking about it. The crunching noises and the different instruments they used are truly stuff of nightmares.

They fashioned me a retainer with a false tooth in it. It was the first time in more than half my life that I had a normal smile again. The dentists orders were to remove it at night, but I didn’t. It was uncomfortable to not wear it. And I still wasn’t taking care of my teeth the way I should have, so I ended up losing a second tooth - the one directly to the right of my right front tooth. They tried saving it with a root canal, but it was too late.

After those gruesome years, I finally, finally got a Marilyn bridge. I literally had a thousand dollar smile. For the first time in my life, I would smile broadly for photographs, teeth and all. It was just weeks before my 18th birthday. It’s unlikely I ever properly thanked my mom. I suppose I hoped my smile was how I thanked her.

But still, I didn’t care for my teeth the way I should have. I brushed and flossed regularly, but not like one should if they value looking normal and being able to chew their own food. In the weeks following Joy’s birth, I had my wisdom teeth removed. A few years later, I had to have two more teeth pulled because they had basically rotted away. In hindsight, I might have been able to save them with root canals, but I didn’t have insurance and certainly couldn’t afford to have paid for it out-of-pocket. Nevermind that all those years going to the School of Dentistry had infected me with the same dread of dentists that my dad suffered; I’m not certain that my mental health would have afforded me the procedures even if my pocketbook could. It was easier to get knocked out, have them pulled and be done with it than repeated trips, novacaine shots with ferocious needles, having to endure the dreadful sounds of the drill and suction tools and all the anxiety that accompanies everything dental-related.

I continued to neglect my dental health. I began to believe that many of my health problems were coming from my sick mouth, especially frequent headaches/migraines and a constantly aching jaw. But I ignored the pain, pushed through it until I could take no more.

About three months ago, I began to have a pretty bad toothache. It sucked but I had been dealing with mouth pain for so long that it wasn’t really new or preventing me from functioning. But it got worse. I finally confided in my husband about my anxieties. Heretofore, I hadn’t really shared with anyone about my fear of the dentist or - more specifically - dental work. He promised he would make some calls on my behalf and was very supportive regarding my anxieties. However, it slipped his mind and I suffered quietly because my dread was so immense, I certainly did not see fit to remind him.

Eventually, the pain became unbearable. Husband finally made the call and set me up an appointment. Lucky for me, I met with my shrink for the first time in the days just before my appointment with the dentist and he prescribed me some Xanax to help me deal with my anxieties.

When the day finally came, I took two Xanax before the appointment. I insisted on speaking with the dentist before having any work at all done. I told her all that I have said here and perhaps then some, emphasizing how my fear is punctuated by the sounds, sights and even the smells of the dental office. I informed her that I was medicated with Xanax, had brought a sleep mask and my iPod with the loudest music in my library and that I would be fine if I could use the items and try my best to pretend I was anywhere but the dentist’s office. She was patient with me, heard me out, told me what we would be doing first and that she would inform me of every procedure before continuing.

I had x-rays taken, the dentist gave a look inside at all my teeth and we discussed a plan of action. It was my intention to have the problem tooth pulled, but she told me that she believed it could be saved with a root canal. The insurance doesn’t cover those, however, and her office charges a small fortune for them. She suggested I look at the U of L School of Dentistry for just the root canals. Problem was that, not only did the prospect of going back there absolutely terrify me, it was two teeth that were causing my insane pain. I can’t afford one root canal, let alone two! I excused myself, went outside to discuss options with my waiting husband. I called my mom. I wept. Mom urged me to have the root canals and that she would pay for them. She told me I’d have to pay her back half, but she would pay for them now so I could get it done. I wept some more. I truly owe my mom the ability to genuinely smile, as well as being able to chew my food. She has - once again - saved my teeth.

I returned to the office and told the doctor that I would opt for the root canals instead of extractions. While I was outside discussing matters with mom and my husband, the receptionist had called U of L and got quotes on the root canals. The dentist then told me that she would match their price so that I wouldn’t have to wait or endure the agony of going back to U of L. I got mom on the phone from their office and she gave them credit card information while the dentist set to work and I set to make believe I was lying on a beach next to the speakers of Pantera and Slipknot and Clutch performing a concert I could only hear but not see. I still heard the drill. I pretended not to. I squeezed my eyes shut and had a white-knuckled grip on the arms of the dental chair, but I survived. I had two fillings and a root canal was started.

A few days later, I dosed myself with Xanax again and returned. I was supposed to have the root canal finished that day. I was apprehensive all over again because the dentist was different - he was the husband to the lady dentist that had worked with me at the first appointment. But he was a very friendly guy. He sat down with me and told me that his wife had explained my story and anxieties to him. Because I was still experiencing pain, he opted to do the other root canal. Both root canals are on the right side of my mouth (which is why I didn’t realize the toothache I had was two teeth and not one). The one that Mrs. Dentist started was the upper and only has two roots. The lower one the Mister did and, being a molar, has three roots. The procedure was terrible to endure, especially considering that good-natured Mr. Dentist tried to (in his words) desensitize me to dental anxiety by handing me a mirror and showing me the horror that was my near-complete root canal. When he was finished, he gave me another shot of novacaine, a prescription for antibiotics and pain meds (he was surprised that his wife hadn’t given me anything for the pain) and told me that I would be sore for several days, so not to come back for at least a week. He wasn’t kidding. My mouth hurt like hell for the next few days and I was in a constant state of loopiness due to all the meds I was taking.

I returned today to have the first (upper) root canal finished with the Missus today. Unfortunately, since all this time has passed since my last visit, I got to feeling all sick to my stomach again last night and this morning before the appointment. There wasn’t a lot of drilling, so it wasn’t too bad. The worst was sitting in that waiting room for 45 minutes with all this anticipation building up inside of me. When she was all finished, she suggested I return soon for some more fillings. My insurance only covers one visit per month, but I can have several fillings done in that one appointment and I need many more (although I will admit I honestly thought I would need more). I made appointments for the kids, too.

After the novacaine wore off today, I was in a lot of pain. I called the office and told them as much. The receptionist put me on hold for a long while and when she returned to the line, she said Mrs. Dentist said I had an infection and they’d call me in a prescription for antibiotics again. I fail to comprehend why - if I truly have an infection - this wasn’t mentioned and handled while I was in the office. I told the receptionist “Great. Now how about something for the pain?” She put me on hold again and when she got back on the line, she told me Mrs. Dentist said I would get pain relief from the antibiotics and to take ibuprofen in the meantime. By now, I’m truly thinking “What the FUCK?!” I’ll be calling them in the morning again and crying, because dammit, my face fucking hurts. Knowing my history, knowing my anxieties, knowing all the shit she knows about me, why would she want me to suffer?! With any luck, Mr. Dentist will be in tomorrow and approve me for some pain meds. Right now, I’m just grateful I had a few painkillers left from the last ’script he gave me.

I have hope that I can continue on this path of taking honest, good care of my teeth and mouth. Since my very first visit at this dentist’s office, I have brushed my teeth three times per day and flossed every single night. I have a long way to go: aside from the ten additional fillings I need, I also need a graft on my lower gums (a labret piercing ruined my lower front gums) and we have to somehow conquer some decaying that has begun to form behind my bridge. I have no idea how we will pay for it, as I assume my insurance won’t cover either of those procedures. I will also need crowns for the root canals I’ve gotten: my insurance does not cover those and they are seriously pricey.

It’s all very overwhelming. Daunting, even. But I have faith that I will find some way to overcome both the physical/mental anxieties as well as the financial strain.

Husband had himself a busy Sunday. He started out helping our friend Mike out with moving some furniture out of storage for his son. Then he headed over to do a little work before our afternoon at P’s place.

P and her husband B have been so good to us and B has been overwhelmed with a lot of yard debris from the wind storms last fall and ice storms last winter. So I volunteered Husband to help him out and we made a day of it. I brought baby back ribs and P got the girls to help her make P’s famous taco dip as well as some desserts. Buddha was happy to romp around in the fenced in backyard at their house, pushing the tricycle down the hill. After several hours of yard work for the fellas and kitchen work for the gals, we finally sat down for a feast. Needless to say, we were all pretty tuckered out by then and it was pushing 8pm. I helped P clean up and we headed home.

Daddy gave Buddha a bath, took a quick shower and Buddha quickly conked out. Then Husband had to get on his homework, which was due at 2am our time and he hadn’t even started yet. Tsk, tsk. I offered a hand to help things along. He finished in the nick of time.

This morning, I needed to ride out to mom’s shop to help her sort mail and pay bills. It’s her least favorite chore and waits until she’s absolutely overwhelmed to call for help. I hadn’t realized that Husband had booked a client for tutoring at 1pm, so he had to reschedule that. One of the ladies that works for mom asked Husband to detail her Jeep and we really need the money (especially after having to cancel that job!), so he accepted. In the meantime, I had finished up with mom, so I called and was able to get squeezed in at my gynecologist’s office for my annual (two months overdue!). She had bought everyone some ice cream - a big hit with Buddha - but I declined because my mouth is still sensitive from all the dental work (post coming soon, I promise).

My mom, God bless her, loaned us the cash to make our rent since the company Husband sub-contracts for doesn’t pay until 10 days into the next month. We made it back home just in time to hand the cash over to the complex manager and catch Joy off the school bus. Unfortunately, I didn’t make the phone calls I needed to in time, so I’ll have a busy morning trying to coordinate appointments for myself, kid’s check-ups and dental visits for us all. Yay.

Since returning to Louisville, it’s been harder than I expected to reconnect with my old friends. I’ve made a slew of new friends through knitting and recently made a new pal at the gym. But particularly special to me is Jenni, the new wife to an old friend, Phil, who plays for the band Common Ground. I finally got the opportunity to meet her when Common Ground reunited for a show back in October last year and we’ve recently gotten better acquainted on Facebook since she and Phil live in Tennessee. I simply adore her.

So, about a month ago, Common Ground announced another show for May 28th at Headliners Music Hall here in Louisville. P, being my absolute best friend in the whole wide world, and the only friend I’ve really been able to reconnect with since moving home, agreed to watch the kids so Husband and I could go out for the show. I later learned that Nappy Roots was headlining the show, which made it all the more exciting. (Last week, I was helping Big Rob out at the show and he had this poster of Nappy Roots. I inquired about it, wondering if he was a fan. He says that he grooms the dog of Ron Clutch. Yeah, that impressed me. Pretty fuckin’ cool.)

As the date neared, Jenni and Phil decided they were going to stay in town for the night. I offered them digs here, which Jenni accepted, but they ended up elsewhere. I was bummed about it, ’cause I’d really hoped to hang with Jenni as much as possible, but I was gracious. By the time Thursday rolled around, I was prolly more excited about seeing her than the show! She and Phil got us on the guest list (a tremendous help, considering our recent financial issues) and we had an outstanding time.

I, being under the influence of some serious drugs (I’ll rant about that in another post dedicated specifically to the dentist and my many apprehensions thereof), as well as being pretty broke, decided to have a couple shots of Woodford Reserve before heading out. We dropped the kids at P’s place and my understanding was that it went pretty well for Buddha (who is usually very unhappy about Mama and Daddy leaving him anywhere. P, feel free to correct me if I’m wrong!).

J, the singer, was feeling a bit under the weather, but not a soul in the house could tell by the amazing performance he gave. He even busted out the didgeridoo. He has such phenomenal stage presence.

During CG’s set, I saw Ron Clutch walking by and approached him. I told him that my brother Big Rob grooms his dog and that I’m a long-time fan. He asked if my brother was there, but he wasn’t. He shook my hand, thanked me for being a fan and showing my support.

I also FINALLY got to meet Deowick! We have been online friends since 2000 or 2001 and it was so absolutely wonderful to meet and squeeze him. I hope it’s not another 9 or 10 years until we can kick it again. He totally rocks.

Covering Blind Melon’s "Galaxy"

Husband’s favorite CG song

"Po’ Folks" is how I fell for Nappy Roots

The audience was really into it!

I’m pleased that the videos turned out so well in spite of being pretty wasted! Most of the pictures turned out great, too. I can’t pick a favorite. I really love them all.

On our way home, Husband stopped to get me a bite to eat, drop me off then go get the kids from P’s place. I kept falling asleep trying to eat and finally gave up and went to bed. I do think I brushed my teeth beforehand, though. Ultimately, I am a bit relieved that Jenni and Phil opted to stay elsewhere, as I woke up quite early to vomit twice. I won’t swear that I didn’t embarrass myself at the show last night, but it would have been much worse for us all if they had to hear that.

I had a superbly wonderful time. I am so glad that Common Ground is doing shows again (even if they are few and far between). I’m grateful that I have such an awesome friend who will sacrifice her own fun so that Husband and I can have a break from our kids. And I’m really quite smitten with Jenni, who I plan to hang onto for the rest of my life as my newest step soul-sister!

Thank you all for an amazing night.

Yesterday, Husband spent the morning and part of the afternoon at the gun range with a friend. He was so happy to get to do some target practice, as it’s been so long. Unfortunately, my toothache was absolutely horrid. When he called to tell me he was on his way home, he asked what I was doing, to which I replied "Contemplating suicide." The pain was that bad. I tried to distract myself with knitting, television and playing on Facebook, but it just didn’t work. When I tried lying down with Buddha at naptime was the absolute worst. I seriously considered not keeping my commitment for today. I couldn’t imagine traveling 2 hours each way in the car with kids in that condition.

Luckily, I woke up this morning feeling much better. I woke up 30 minutes before the alarm (which, incidentally, Husband forgot to set). I took a quick shower, woke up the rest of the house and we packed up the car to head for Cincinnati to meet up with my mom-in-law, one of my four sis-in-laws and MIL’s friend and daughter. We planned to meet at the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Gardens for the day. Our carload arrived at about 10:30am.

However, just before reaching us, their carload was in a minor traffic incident and were delayed. The four of us headed on in to appease the restless baby. We watched the elephants get lunch and got to pet a penguin. 

Joy ended up taking most of the pictures of the animals at the zoo. She was better at it than I expected. She took gobs of pictures of the creatures in the insect exhibit that didn’t turn out (due to the glass), the big cats and several of the zebras (her long-time favorite).

I took many of the gorillas. They were great: the mama and baby, the grumpy old man, the majestic alpha and a few other females. I counted 6 in all.

A kind passer-by took a group shot for us. I love it, ‘cept rotten Buddha looked the other way.

After a while, it seemed like we were going in circles. We were tired, thirsty, hungry and Joy was eager to spend more time at the indoor exhibits, which is highly difficult with a party of our size, as well as a stroller weighed down with purses and a diaper bag. Plus, Buddha was having a hard time getting warmed up to his long-distance family members, which I know must be frustrating for Gramma. We decided to head over to McDonald’s, first because it’s cheap and more importantly, we all knew where it was located!

Gramma got Buddha to warm up to her by getting him some ice cream.   

We haven’t seen ‘em since other sis-in-law’s wedding in December of 2007, so it was really great to see them all again. Hopefully it won’t be as long until we can do it again. We love you all!

With the busy and eventful week and weekend we’ve had, I am very hopeful to just lie around tomorrow doing much of nothing. Maybe I’ll do some knitting and watch some movies, especially since my toothache is right back to kickin’ my ass this evening.

It’s been crazy around here this week! Husband has been busy with work Monday and Tuesday. Yesterday, I helped Big Rob out at the new shop since the people he’s been hiring apparently aren’t familiar with the alphabet. Meanwhile, Husband drove all over the city to straighten out some confusion with the station wagon we bought last month when the truck got sick and then handled the legalities so we’re legit with the whip. We spent a small fortune (that we really didn’t have - had to clean out the emergency savings account) to get much-needed work on the ride: an oil change, brakes and 4 new tires. Finally riding smoothly.

Today was Buddha’s follow-up appointment from his fracture was this morning. We waited two and a half hours for the orthopedist to say "Looks like it was never broke! Hope we don’t see you again." I was very frustrated by the long wait. We had to rush back across town to get Joy from school to get to our appointments by 1pm. I am now seeing her psychiatrist Dr. P. We are already acquainted, I’m very comfortable with him and he’s pretty cute, too. We discussed my history, meds I’ve tried before and even researched a newer drug that he’s never prescribed. He gave me a ’script of Zoloft. I start it tomorrow.

While I was meeting him alone for the first time today, she saw her therapist while Husband dozed and Buddha wreaked havoc in the waiting room. The poor kid was stuck in waiting rooms 75% of the day, with no nap. When our respective hours were up (hers with the therapist, mine with Dr. P), it was her turn with Dr. P. As we are returning to Dr. P’s office from rounding everyone up from the waiting room - we thought it a good idea for Dr. P to meet Husband and Buddha - Buddha rounded the corner too fast and bonked his head good on the door jamb. He grew a sizable goose egg on the right side of his noggin. My poor baby. Needless to say, it made for a very interesting and noisy half hour.

Yesterday, my darling, well-meaning yet evil, evil Husband made an appointment for me to see a dentist. Anyone who knows me knows damn good and well that I am absolutely terrified of the dentist and with good reason. Blissfully, Dr. P listened while I carried on quite animatedly about my anxiety and also gave me a short-term ’script for Xanax to take before my appointment. That coupled with several other outlets for describing and discussing my fear has set me a bit at ease about it. Make no mistake - I’m still very nervous, just less so than I was while listening to Husband make the appointment.

At this time, everyone is asleep and I’m enjoying some much needed peace and quiet without a huge list of chores to do. I think I might go peruse those knitting/crochet books I picked up at the library and catch up on the DVR. The weekend promises to be as busy as the week has been, but do look for an update again soon. I promise!