I’m Beautiful Like Me.

You’re already perfect.

Between my friends who are struggling, the girls who are too ashamed to share their pain, the secrets I must carry, the fucking idiot who threw a dog out of his car window as s/he sped down the interstate, the fucking coward I mistakenly reproduced with, the sadness that what I do is never enough for she who matters most… Knowing that I live in a world that represses people based on gender, skin color and sexual preference, that politics will always trump morals, that selfishness is valued more than generosity…

Some days, it is all too much.

I try to remember my blessings, but some days… some days, they are not enough to carry my spirit. I am grateful, but some days… some days, I just want to throw up my hands, give into the sadness and hide from the world.

Today is one of those days.

Today, I had an advising appointment. As I was passing the time before my appointment, the mail came. In the mail was a letter from the Dean’s office. I was reluctant to open it; after receiving the letter about not receiving the state grant and feeling uncertain of how the interview went, I was not feeling confident.

I’m curious by nature so of course I opened the letter. And it said I won the scholarship. And the scholarship is for twice as much as I thought - $6000! Holy shit. I was completely stunned. I read the letter multiple times to be sure I had read it right.

I have always treated my education with great seriousness. I work hard to secure grants, fabulous grades and scholarships. This is not my first scholarship by a stretch. It is, however, the most substantial! I opened the letter at around 10am this morning and the shock didn’t wear off until just a few hours ago. The joy has finally set in!

I made my appointment on time (actually, I was there early!) and the advisor and I spent an hour and a half pouring over my transcripts, prerequisites and required courses, she edited my proposal and we squared away my curriculum for the remainder of my undergraduate career. She advised me to call the Doctor before the day’s end to make my appointment with him to get approval for my degree proposal before the end of May. I didn’t have anywhere to go or anything much to do, so I found a spot in the sun on campus and tweaked my proposal until Husband called. I needed to call the Doctor before I headed home because I’d just forget about it once I got there. I pulled up my Google calendar and dialed him. He asked if I was busy now, to which I responded, “Let’s do this!” Less than an hour and a handshake later, the Doctor welcomed my to Liberal Studies and congratulated me for being the first ever U of L student to major in Forensic Science! w00t!!!

I spent the rest of the afternoon feeling very overwhelmed and humble. But I still played lotto!

A few weeks ago, I began to find some old friends on Facebook. People I really missed and am so happy to find back in my life. It’s bittersweet, because some changes are so profoundly negative that it’s hard to see people the way I used to while other changes shine a new light on a previously hidden beauty that I always suspected was there. Memories take hold at various moments, too and that can be troubling and even painful to sort through. All in all, though, it’s been a lovely experience that I’m grateful has happened. The laughter more than makes up for the quiet anxiety.

Today, I met with a scholarship committee. I’ve never done anything like that before. It was a bit awkward. I’m never sure what it is these people want to hear. Why can’t my stellar record speak for itself? With all the budget cuts in education, I was told the state had exhausted its funds; that I won’t be receiving state aid. And I received a “thanks, but sorry” letter from another scholarship I applied for. I guess they are getting extra-selective since there is such a crunch for cash. I was myself: honest and humble. I should know by next week.

Meanwhile, I finished all my classes this week. I haven’t been so thrilled about impending summer since I was a high-schooler! So far, I’ve received a B for my (first ever senior-level class) Forensic Anthropology class and two As for Criminology and Justice Admin. I fully expect an A for American Sign Language, as well. While it isn’t my best work, it is certainly worth being proud of – and I am.

Next week, I meet with Advising to plan my curriculum. My areas of concentration are going to be Justice Admin, Biology and Forensic Anthropology. Since they are thisclose to implementing the Interpreter program, I’m strongly considering adding that to my degree plan. I was informed that it may be possible to double major, too. I’m nervous and excited to be creating long-term goals.

In the meantime, I am very happy for the time off. I intend to take the kids to the zoo a lot, read for leisure, do some more knitting (I haven’t touched the needles since at least January!) and go on vacation with my amazing husband. I want to go hiking. I want to meditate regularly. I want to go to a concert, volunteer somewhere, really get to know my camera…

Oh, and have backyard barbecues… starting Sunday. Stay tuned for pictures!

You were created to love and be loved. In support of Depression Awareness, we wrote love on our arms.

My university doesn’t offer a Forensic Science B.S. but I can tweak a Liberal Studies degree. I have done a LOT of research into this – prolly way more than I should have! – and I think it’s possible that I might actually have my future decided on. It’s terrifying! Especially since the real test is tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I dissect pig feet to extract bullets and evaluate the sequence of the wounds caused by the projectiles.

I’m oddly not disturbed by the prospect. In fact, at the beginning of the semester when the professor told us it would occur at some point, I was almost excited. I’ll admit that I’m a bit concerned about the smell. I’ve been more and more sensitive to smells since my last pregnancy. I am also nervous about what it’s like to handle soft tissue. I have managed really well with the bones in Human Osteology and Skeletal Forensics, but this will be my first time with soft tissue.

If things go well tomorrow, I’ll only have to decide between a focus in Chemistry and Biology (and of course, finish college). I meet with an advisor Thursday.

My life has been overwhelmingly busy since I returned to school last fall. Here are the highlights:

I pulled through with straight A’s last semester, although only barely in one class. I really enjoyed my first semester back. Now, in the middle of my second semester, things are moving along. I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up and that is the biggest, most painful thorn in my side, but otherwise it’s okay. I have hit a few kinks earlier in the year, but I think we’re all smoothed out now. I hope!

Last October, my mom fell and broke 3 ribs. During the x-rays, they found she had pneumonia. She stayed in the hospital for almost a week. Then, just after Christmas, she suffered a stroke. They released her after only a few days. Her sister, my aunt, came up from Florida and spent a month helping her out. Meanwhile, I had another major falling out with Big Rob. Once again, we are not on speaking terms and of course, this only increases the tension between me and mom. In any event, I did nothing wrong and I’m trying to distance myself from the drama as best I can. And mom is doing really well.

Joy’s dad got himself into some trouble, as well. He has been on probation for a little less than a year and had a little less than another year to go, but he violated and then avoided going back to his PO. The police finally caught up to him in early February and last week he was sentenced to 13 months in the state penitentiary. Husband and I have been discussing adoption with Joy and she is very enthusiastic. She’s already told a few of her friends that she’s changing her last name to Husband’s.

Between the family drama, school stresses and the lousy weather, the past few months have been a bit tough on me with regards to mental health. However, the sunshine and taste of warmth we were blessed with this week was invigorating!

Just yesterday, P and I went for new tattoos! I’m terribly thrilled with them. They represent my beautiful kids. The yellow/orange one with the Libra glyph is Joy and the green/blue one with the Pisces glyph is Buddha.

Speaking of Buddha, he celebrated his 3rd birthday last week. Can you believe he’s 3 already?! Remember his 1st birthday?! How about his 2nd birthday? Crazy. I was taking it really well until the end of the day when I was adding the new videos I took of him into the computer with all of the old videos. Of course I had to watch the old videos and see just how much my baby has grown! Oy. I don’t think I cried, but I certainly could have. Nothing like becoming a parent to make a person feel old! Anyhow, I don’t like 3 so far. He’s whiny and prone to tantrums in recent weeks and I have little patience for it. Sigh.

All else is going well. I have very little time for leisure, so I haven’t knit or read (for fun) in too damn long. Heartbreaking! Between going to school full-time and Husband working and going to school, as well, it’s hectic. I’ll try very hard to be more consistent in posting! I miss you!