I was devastated by my ugly smile. I stopped caring properly for my teeth. By the time I was 12, my parents divorced. My dad’s insurance would have covered the dental repairs but he was afraid of the dentist and wouldn’t take me.

At age 15, my mom took me to the University of Louisville School of Dentistry to finally get my smile fixed. She could afford it, but since it was a school and since I had neglected caring for my teeth properly for so many years, they wanted to take care of my many cavities first. Mom took me to that place once every other week or so for the next two and a half years.

My worst experience there was early. I had to have that front tooth pulled back out. Over the years, it had fused with my upper jaw bone. Under local anesthetic only, they pulled it. I truly regret that I hadn’t begged to be put out for that. It took nearly an hour to remove it entirely. I feel sick just thinking about it. The crunching noises and the different instruments they used are truly stuff of nightmares.

They fashioned me a retainer with a false tooth in it. It was the first time in more than half my life that I had a normal smile again. The dentists orders were to remove it at night, but I didn’t. It was uncomfortable to not wear it. And I still wasn’t taking care of my teeth the way I should have, so I ended up losing a second tooth - the one directly to the right of my right front tooth. They tried saving it with a root canal, but it was too late.

After those gruesome years, I finally, finally got a Marilyn bridge. I literally had a thousand dollar smile. For the first time in my life, I would smile broadly for photographs, teeth and all. It was just weeks before my 18th birthday. It’s unlikely I ever properly thanked my mom. I suppose I hoped my smile was how I thanked her.

But still, I didn’t care for my teeth the way I should have. I brushed and flossed regularly, but not like one should if they value looking normal and being able to chew their own food. In the weeks following Joy’s birth, I had my wisdom teeth removed. A few years later, I had to have two more teeth pulled because they had basically rotted away. In hindsight, I might have been able to save them with root canals, but I didn’t have insurance and certainly couldn’t afford to have paid for it out-of-pocket. Nevermind that all those years going to the School of Dentistry had infected me with the same dread of dentists that my dad suffered; I’m not certain that my mental health would have afforded me the procedures even if my pocketbook could. It was easier to get knocked out, have them pulled and be done with it than repeated trips, novacaine shots with ferocious needles, having to endure the dreadful sounds of the drill and suction tools and all the anxiety that accompanies everything dental-related.

I continued to neglect my dental health. I began to believe that many of my health problems were coming from my sick mouth, especially frequent headaches/migraines and a constantly aching jaw. But I ignored the pain, pushed through it until I could take no more.

About three months ago, I began to have a pretty bad toothache. It sucked but I had been dealing with mouth pain for so long that it wasn’t really new or preventing me from functioning. But it got worse. I finally confided in my husband about my anxieties. Heretofore, I hadn’t really shared with anyone about my fear of the dentist or - more specifically - dental work. He promised he would make some calls on my behalf and was very supportive regarding my anxieties. However, it slipped his mind and I suffered quietly because my dread was so immense, I certainly did not see fit to remind him.

Eventually, the pain became unbearable. Husband finally made the call and set me up an appointment. Lucky for me, I met with my shrink for the first time in the days just before my appointment with the dentist and he prescribed me some Xanax to help me deal with my anxieties.

When the day finally came, I took two Xanax before the appointment. I insisted on speaking with the dentist before having any work at all done. I told her all that I have said here and perhaps then some, emphasizing how my fear is punctuated by the sounds, sights and even the smells of the dental office. I informed her that I was medicated with Xanax, had brought a sleep mask and my iPod with the loudest music in my library and that I would be fine if I could use the items and try my best to pretend I was anywhere but the dentist’s office. She was patient with me, heard me out, told me what we would be doing first and that she would inform me of every procedure before continuing.

I had x-rays taken, the dentist gave a look inside at all my teeth and we discussed a plan of action. It was my intention to have the problem tooth pulled, but she told me that she believed it could be saved with a root canal. The insurance doesn’t cover those, however, and her office charges a small fortune for them. She suggested I look at the U of L School of Dentistry for just the root canals. Problem was that, not only did the prospect of going back there absolutely terrify me, it was two teeth that were causing my insane pain. I can’t afford one root canal, let alone two! I excused myself, went outside to discuss options with my waiting husband. I called my mom. I wept. Mom urged me to have the root canals and that she would pay for them. She told me I’d have to pay her back half, but she would pay for them now so I could get it done. I wept some more. I truly owe my mom the ability to genuinely smile, as well as being able to chew my food. She has - once again - saved my teeth.

I returned to the office and told the doctor that I would opt for the root canals instead of extractions. While I was outside discussing matters with mom and my husband, the receptionist had called U of L and got quotes on the root canals. The dentist then told me that she would match their price so that I wouldn’t have to wait or endure the agony of going back to U of L. I got mom on the phone from their office and she gave them credit card information while the dentist set to work and I set to make believe I was lying on a beach next to the speakers of Pantera and Slipknot and Clutch performing a concert I could only hear but not see. I still heard the drill. I pretended not to. I squeezed my eyes shut and had a white-knuckled grip on the arms of the dental chair, but I survived. I had two fillings and a root canal was started.

A few days later, I dosed myself with Xanax again and returned. I was supposed to have the root canal finished that day. I was apprehensive all over again because the dentist was different - he was the husband to the lady dentist that had worked with me at the first appointment. But he was a very friendly guy. He sat down with me and told me that his wife had explained my story and anxieties to him. Because I was still experiencing pain, he opted to do the other root canal. Both root canals are on the right side of my mouth (which is why I didn’t realize the toothache I had was two teeth and not one). The one that Mrs. Dentist started was the upper and only has two roots. The lower one the Mister did and, being a molar, has three roots. The procedure was terrible to endure, especially considering that good-natured Mr. Dentist tried to (in his words) desensitize me to dental anxiety by handing me a mirror and showing me the horror that was my near-complete root canal. When he was finished, he gave me another shot of novacaine, a prescription for antibiotics and pain meds (he was surprised that his wife hadn’t given me anything for the pain) and told me that I would be sore for several days, so not to come back for at least a week. He wasn’t kidding. My mouth hurt like hell for the next few days and I was in a constant state of loopiness due to all the meds I was taking.

I returned today to have the first (upper) root canal finished with the Missus today. Unfortunately, since all this time has passed since my last visit, I got to feeling all sick to my stomach again last night and this morning before the appointment. There wasn’t a lot of drilling, so it wasn’t too bad. The worst was sitting in that waiting room for 45 minutes with all this anticipation building up inside of me. When she was all finished, she suggested I return soon for some more fillings. My insurance only covers one visit per month, but I can have several fillings done in that one appointment and I need many more (although I will admit I honestly thought I would need more). I made appointments for the kids, too.

After the novacaine wore off today, I was in a lot of pain. I called the office and told them as much. The receptionist put me on hold for a long while and when she returned to the line, she said Mrs. Dentist said I had an infection and they’d call me in a prescription for antibiotics again. I fail to comprehend why - if I truly have an infection - this wasn’t mentioned and handled while I was in the office. I told the receptionist “Great. Now how about something for the pain?” She put me on hold again and when she got back on the line, she told me Mrs. Dentist said I would get pain relief from the antibiotics and to take ibuprofen in the meantime. By now, I’m truly thinking “What the FUCK?!” I’ll be calling them in the morning again and crying, because dammit, my face fucking hurts. Knowing my history, knowing my anxieties, knowing all the shit she knows about me, why would she want me to suffer?! With any luck, Mr. Dentist will be in tomorrow and approve me for some pain meds. Right now, I’m just grateful I had a few painkillers left from the last ’script he gave me.

I have hope that I can continue on this path of taking honest, good care of my teeth and mouth. Since my very first visit at this dentist’s office, I have brushed my teeth three times per day and flossed every single night. I have a long way to go: aside from the ten additional fillings I need, I also need a graft on my lower gums (a labret piercing ruined my lower front gums) and we have to somehow conquer some decaying that has begun to form behind my bridge. I have no idea how we will pay for it, as I assume my insurance won’t cover either of those procedures. I will also need crowns for the root canals I’ve gotten: my insurance does not cover those and they are seriously pricey.

It’s all very overwhelming. Daunting, even. But I have faith that I will find some way to overcome both the physical/mental anxieties as well as the financial strain.

P and her husband B have been so good to us and B has been overwhelmed with a lot of yard debris from the wind storms last fall and ice storms last winter. So I volunteered Husband to help him out and we made a day of it. I brought baby back ribs and P got the girls to help her make P’s famous taco dip as well as some desserts. Buddha was happy to romp around in the fenced in backyard at their house, pushing the tricycle down the hill. After several hours of yard work for the fellas and kitchen work for the gals, we finally sat down for a feast. Needless to say, we were all pretty tuckered out by then and it was pushing 8pm. I helped P clean up and we headed home.

Daddy gave Buddha a bath, took a quick shower and Buddha quickly conked out. Then Husband had to get on his homework, which was due at 2am our time and he hadn’t even started yet. Tsk, tsk. I offered a hand to help things along. He finished in the nick of time.

This morning, I needed to ride out to mom’s shop to help her sort mail and pay bills. It’s her least favorite chore and waits until she’s absolutely overwhelmed to call for help. I hadn’t realized that Husband had booked a client for tutoring at 1pm, so he had to reschedule that. One of the ladies that works for mom asked Husband to detail her Jeep and we really need the money (especially after having to cancel that job!), so he accepted. In the meantime, I had finished up with mom, so I called and was able to get squeezed in at my gynecologist’s office for my annual (two months overdue!). She had bought everyone some ice cream - a big hit with Buddha - but I declined because my mouth is still sensitive from all the dental work (post coming soon, I promise).

My mom, God bless her, loaned us the cash to make our rent since the company Husband sub-contracts for doesn’t pay until 10 days into the next month. We made it back home just in time to hand the cash over to the complex manager and catch Joy off the school bus. Unfortunately, I didn’t make the phone calls I needed to in time, so I’ll have a busy morning trying to coordinate appointments for myself, kid’s check-ups and dental visits for us all. Yay.

So, about a month ago, Common Ground announced another show for May 28th at Headliners Music Hall here in Louisville. P, being my absolute best friend in the whole wide world, and the only friend I’ve really been able to reconnect with since moving home, agreed to watch the kids so Husband and I could go out for the show. I later learned that Nappy Roots was headlining the show, which made it all the more exciting. (Last week, I was helping Big Rob out at the show and he had this poster of Nappy Roots. I inquired about it, wondering if he was a fan. He says that he grooms the dog of Ron Clutch. Yeah, that impressed me. Pretty fuckin’ cool.)

As the date neared, Jenni and Phil decided they were going to stay in town for the night. I offered them digs here, which Jenni accepted, but they ended up elsewhere. I was bummed about it, ’cause I’d really hoped to hang with Jenni as much as possible, but I was gracious. By the time Thursday rolled around, I was prolly more excited about seeing her than the show! She and Phil got us on the guest list (a tremendous help, considering our recent financial issues) and we had an outstanding time.

I, being under the influence of some serious drugs (I’ll rant about that in another post dedicated specifically to the dentist and my many apprehensions thereof), as well as being pretty broke, decided to have a couple shots of Woodford Reserve before heading out. We dropped the kids at P’s place and my understanding was that it went pretty well for Buddha (who is usually very unhappy about Mama and Daddy leaving him anywhere. P, feel free to correct me if I’m wrong!).

J, the singer, was feeling a bit under the weather, but not a soul in the house could tell by the amazing performance he gave. He even busted out the didgeridoo. He has such phenomenal stage presence.

During CG’s set, I saw Ron Clutch walking by and approached him. I told him that my brother Big Rob grooms his dog and that I’m a long-time fan. He asked if my brother was there, but he wasn’t. He shook my hand, thanked me for being a fan and showing my support.

I also FINALLY got to meet Deowick! We have been online friends since 2000 or 2001 and it was so absolutely wonderful to meet and squeeze him. I hope it’s not another 9 or 10 years until we can kick it again. He totally rocks.

Covering Blind Melon’s "Galaxy"

Husband’s favorite CG song

"Po’ Folks" is how I fell for Nappy Roots

The audience was really into it!

I’m pleased that the videos turned out so well in spite of being pretty wasted! Most of the pictures turned out great, too. I can’t pick a favorite. I really love them all.

On our way home, Husband stopped to get me a bite to eat, drop me off then go get the kids from P’s place. I kept falling asleep trying to eat and finally gave up and went to bed. I do think I brushed my teeth beforehand, though. Ultimately, I am a bit relieved that Jenni and Phil opted to stay elsewhere, as I woke up quite early to vomit twice. I won’t swear that I didn’t embarrass myself at the show last night, but it would have been much worse for us all if they had to hear that.

I had a superbly wonderful time. I am so glad that Common Ground is doing shows again (even if they are few and far between). I’m grateful that I have such an awesome friend who will sacrifice her own fun so that Husband and I can have a break from our kids. And I’m really quite smitten with Jenni, who I plan to hang onto for the rest of my life as my newest step soul-sister!

Thank you all for an amazing night.

Luckily, I woke up this morning feeling much better. I woke up 30 minutes before the alarm (which, incidentally, Husband forgot to set). I took a quick shower, woke up the rest of the house and we packed up the car to head for Cincinnati to meet up with my mom-in-law, one of my four sis-in-laws and MIL’s friend and daughter. We planned to meet at the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Gardens for the day. Our carload arrived at about 10:30am.

However, just before reaching us, their carload was in a minor traffic incident and were delayed. The four of us headed on in to appease the restless baby. We watched the elephants get lunch and got to pet a penguin. 

Joy ended up taking most of the pictures of the animals at the zoo. She was better at it than I expected. She took gobs of pictures of the creatures in the insect exhibit that didn’t turn out (due to the glass), the big cats and several of the zebras (her long-time favorite).

I took many of the gorillas. They were great: the mama and baby, the grumpy old man, the majestic alpha and a few other females. I counted 6 in all.

A kind passer-by took a group shot for us. I love it, ‘cept rotten Buddha looked the other way.

After a while, it seemed like we were going in circles. We were tired, thirsty, hungry and Joy was eager to spend more time at the indoor exhibits, which is highly difficult with a party of our size, as well as a stroller weighed down with purses and a diaper bag. Plus, Buddha was having a hard time getting warmed up to his long-distance family members, which I know must be frustrating for Gramma. We decided to head over to McDonald’s, first because it’s cheap and more importantly, we all knew where it was located!

Gramma got Buddha to warm up to her by getting him some ice cream.   

We haven’t seen ‘em since other sis-in-law’s wedding in December of 2007, so it was really great to see them all again. Hopefully it won’t be as long until we can do it again. We love you all!

With the busy and eventful week and weekend we’ve had, I am very hopeful to just lie around tomorrow doing much of nothing. Maybe I’ll do some knitting and watch some movies, especially since my toothache is right back to kickin’ my ass this evening.

Today was Buddha’s follow-up appointment from his fracture was this morning. We waited two and a half hours for the orthopedist to say "Looks like it was never broke! Hope we don’t see you again." I was very frustrated by the long wait. We had to rush back across town to get Joy from school to get to our appointments by 1pm. I am now seeing her psychiatrist Dr. P. We are already acquainted, I’m very comfortable with him and he’s pretty cute, too. We discussed my history, meds I’ve tried before and even researched a newer drug that he’s never prescribed. He gave me a ’script of Zoloft. I start it tomorrow.

While I was meeting him alone for the first time today, she saw her therapist while Husband dozed and Buddha wreaked havoc in the waiting room. The poor kid was stuck in waiting rooms 75% of the day, with no nap. When our respective hours were up (hers with the therapist, mine with Dr. P), it was her turn with Dr. P. As we are returning to Dr. P’s office from rounding everyone up from the waiting room - we thought it a good idea for Dr. P to meet Husband and Buddha - Buddha rounded the corner too fast and bonked his head good on the door jamb. He grew a sizable goose egg on the right side of his noggin. My poor baby. Needless to say, it made for a very interesting and noisy half hour.

Yesterday, my darling, well-meaning yet evil, evil Husband made an appointment for me to see a dentist. Anyone who knows me knows damn good and well that I am absolutely terrified of the dentist and with good reason. Blissfully, Dr. P listened while I carried on quite animatedly about my anxiety and also gave me a short-term ’script for Xanax to take before my appointment. That coupled with several other outlets for describing and discussing my fear has set me a bit at ease about it. Make no mistake - I’m still very nervous, just less so than I was while listening to Husband make the appointment.

At this time, everyone is asleep and I’m enjoying some much needed peace and quiet without a huge list of chores to do. I think I might go peruse those knitting/crochet books I picked up at the library and catch up on the DVR. The weekend promises to be as busy as the week has been, but do look for an update again soon. I promise!

We joined the YMCA on March 17. I did very, very well; going 6 days a week for no less than 45 minutes and increased my water consumption 1000%…. until I got sick with allergies about a month ago. I have been having a hard time getting back into it. I have lost some weight, but not enough to boast about yet. I’ve even made a new friend! And I’ve been keeping an online journal with my friend and confidant P.

As I stated in an earlier post, I applied to U of L and for financial aid to attend. I was accepted to the school. I immediately applied for several scholarships for which I qualified and today I got very exciting news: I received a $3,000 scholarship! Earlier, I received word that I qualified for and will receive a $1,000 grant from the state. Very exciting! I haven’t crunched the numbers yet, but I will when I find out about a Pell grant and the rest of the scholarships for which I’ve applied.

Even more exciting is that I may finally know what I would like to do with my life. I watched a show on the Science Channel called "Connected: The Power of Six Degrees" and learned about a developing science called Network Theory that absolutely intrigues me. Unfortunately, there are very, very few schools that teach it, so I need to find something similar to focus on in the meantime. It’s airing again soon, so try to catch it!

I have been spending unhealthy amounts of time on Facebook. I’ve tracked down all sorts of old friends! It’s a little funny since I’ve been feeling pretty anti-social in the real world. If you are on there, join me!

Husband and I have been helping a friend of mom’s to sell most of his and his now-deceased wife’s belongings. The wife was a bit of a hoarder and the widower is overwhelmed with the sheer amount of stuff. Between the two of them, they had somewhere in the neighborhood of a dozen kids and none of them have been very helpful in assisting their father.

We did manage to get out for Husband’s birthday last Friday: a nice, quiet dinner at the Olive Garden. This weekend, I’m taking him to see both the new Terminator movie and his mom, who is traveling to Ohio. We’ll meet her in Cincinnati for a day at the zoo or somesuch.

Besides skipping the gym, I’ve also skipped several weeks of knit night now. I’m just feeling rather uninspired  lately. I made mom a nice pair of socks for Mother’s Day and started on another pair of socks, but I’m not digging how they are turning out. I should’ve frogged them a long time ago. This past weekend, I got my nephew B for a night and he accompanied Joy and I to the library. I’m hoping flipping through a book or two will help me become inspired to start something fresh. I’d love to make my soon-to-arrive nephew some booties or something.

I finished reading both So Long and Thanks for All the Fish as well as Your Heart Belongs to Me. The Adams book is likely my favorite in the series. I really, really enjoyed it. The Koontz book is likely one of my least favorites yet. It was very slow starting and a lot of the storyline went nowhere for me. Aside from getting knitting and crocheting books on our trip to the library, I also picked up B is for Beer. I haven’t read Robbins in a very long time and look forward to reading it.

He was really into tearing off the wrapping paper to find the surprises inside and he has really enjoyed each gift he’s received. He got two sets of play tools, a "work bench" for pounding blocks, a big bottle of bubbles, a remote control car, a big bag of blocks, a potty chair and some pull-ups (both cloth and disposable). My mom’s friend, Mike C. gave Buddha a card that plays music when you open it. I think it might be his favorite.

He blew both of his candles out in one breath! It was hilarious watching him try to eat the giant cupcake. He kept complaining about the icing on his face.

After things settled down and we were getting ready for bathtime, I asked him if he wanted to try his potty chair. I sat him on it, naked as a jay-bird and daddy and I both praised him for being such a big boy. His response? "Dapper." Yeah, he requested a diaper. Potty training him will be loads of fun.

Today - his actual birthday - we took the kids to the park for a bit before dinner. He’s been bugging about getting those bubbles out. Suffice it to say the bottle is now empty.

Blessed Solar Return, my baby!

Before

He’s been working on the vehicles a lot and aggravated that the hair is constantly in his face. He’s been complaining about it for weeks.

After

Now he looks like the man I married, but it feels like I’m married to a new man! He shaved his face, as well, but I was unable to get a good photo of him inside the house.

He really likes it, says his head feels much lighter. Joy was not so pleased with it, though. I thought she might cry. The baby was there to see it get cut off, although he’d have much rather played with blow-dryers, electric sockets and all the cute hairstylists that were flirting with him. I think he looks great!

We received a substantial amount for our tax returns, so we were able to (once again) pay off all of our bills and even put quite a bit in savings. It was really nice to give my mom a huge chunk, too, considering all that she has done for us in the past (six months, especially). We still had quite a bit left, so we all got new shoes, Joy got some new school clothes, Buddha got some new toys and Husband and I got ourselves a little something each, too. He got some "nerdy computer stuff" (as Joy calls it) and I got myself the Knit Picks Harmony interchangeable needle set I’ve been ogling for forever now. They are beautiful and simply divine to knit with!

I’ve been working on perfecting my Skulljoy Armwarmers pattern with them, made a cozy for my French Press and have a sock for Husband on my needles right now. I’ve never knit socks with worsted weight yarn, so these seem to be breezing by quite quickly! I’m going to make them with afterthought heels (also called short-row heels), so I have to wait for the book I ordered (Teach Yourself Visually: Sock Knitting) to arrive before I can proceed. I’ll have both cuffs done before it gets here.

My good friend P dragged me to see the movie "Twilight" before I started the final book Breaking Dawn. I haven’t seen a movie in the theater since the first Harry Potter movie! It wasn’t horrible and I’m not sorry I went by any means, I just wish my own image of Edward hadn’t been tainted. Sorry P. I did finally finish the saga, though and hafta say that I really rather enjoyed it. Thanks to all those folks online for turning me on to some new reading material. As soon as I catch up on the DVR (which will give me a chance to do some serious knitting), I’m going to start something new - maybe Wicked or Dean Koontz’s The Darkest Evening of the Year. It is so good to be reading again.

I quit my job at the downtown restaurant last week. It was the most reckless thing I’ve done in a long time and it was very liberating to just not go in. Those people (the ones who own it, that is) are complete jerks and I’m glad to be rid of the feelings I’d have just before going in. In the meantime, I’ve applied with the county school system for several jobs, did the clerical testing, paid for the background check and fingerprinting. Now they just need to hire me!

I also applied for financial aid and at University of Louisville. If only I could decide what the hell I want to do when I grow up! I’m leaning towards either a Mathematics degree of maybe Justice. I need to make an appointment to talk to an advisor, I think. My education is at a stage where I really need to know which direction I want to head in.

And it’s really super-cheesy and maybe a bit morbid, but I’m excited that the latest episode of one of my favorite shows "The First 48" is airing a local homicide. My love for cop and law shows is what has me considering a law-type degree.

Finally, the basketball team at Joy’s school has made the finals! It’s very exciting for these little guys and I’m really proud of them. Here’s the latest video from their game last night.

About three weeks ago, I had a panic attack. I hated my job and completely attribute it to that fact. I would obsess over excuses to not go in and would start to feel icky when I did go in. In any case, it was a mild panic attack and I was able to mostly roll with the punches, particularly since we were slow and my boss offered to let me off early. My brother showed up and distracted me, too, so it passed quickly.

Still.

I had also started to have some shoulder pain. I’d wake up in the morning and my right shoulder would just ache. For me, that’s actually entirely normal. What isn’t normal is that the aching doesn’t wear off after some stretching and getting moving.

We had a nice little warm-up here in Louisville for a few days and I noticed that afterwards, when it cooled back down, I’d always feel extremely cold. Very unlike me. Very strange. Even stranger that I’d be cold and Husband wouldn’t be since he is the one that usually whines about the temperature.

A week prior to the panic attack, I met with my new doctor. It was the most bizarre experience I’d ever had. I needed a new ’script for Synthroid, though, and my annual blood test. I had been feeling more forgetful and losing hair again, so I wasn’t surprised when I learned (2 long weeks later) my TSH was higher than normal. The doctor increased my dose from 50 mcg to 75 mcg per day.

In any case, I wanted a follow up appointment with the doctor to go over my fasting blood panel and to talk to them about my shoulder and anxiety. Unfortunately, due to all the shit-weather we had, two appointments were canceled. In the meantime, when the doctor told me over the telephone that he was increasing my dose of Sythroid and prompted by some discussions in an online forum I visit, I decided to re-research Hashimoto’s and it’s symptoms.

So, it turns out that my anxiety and my shoulder pain might possibly be linked to Hashimoto’s. According to this link and numerous others I found by simply googling "Hashimoto’s symptoms" and "Hashimoto’s anxiety", my hypothyroidism may be the cause of these other, new and more severe symptoms.

For those of you that don’t know it, I was diagnosed with OCD when I was a teenager. Before I conceived Buddha, I was medicated for it. I had the anxiety very well controlled for the following 18 months or so. In fact, I believed my OCD only really flared back up when Joy was diagnosed herself. After reading the literature online, I’m rethinking that and wondering if it was just a symptom of Hashimoto’s, since my Hashimoto’s diagnosis was only 2-3 months after Joy’s OCD diagnosis. Seems entirely plausible.

In any case, I finally went back in to my appointment today. I wrote myself a note (so’s not to forget) about the things I wanted to discuss with the doctor. Shoulder pain, anxiety, headaches and how I wonder if they are all symptoms of Hashimoto’s. Now, I’ve suffered from migraines (most of my family members do) since I was a kid. Lately, the headaches seem to be a direct result from the anxiety which cause me to clamp my jaw together painfully, unwittingly. The meds I used to take were an enormous relief from those headaches.

I get to the doctor’s office, which is this little green house with parking in the back. I can only imagine the mess behind the closed doors and pulled curtains based on the mess I can see. The waiting area looks to have been a kitchen at one point, and while there is a frosted glass window that leads to somewhere, no one is ever behind it. Beyond the waiting area, there is a triage area where the doctor and - I presume - his wife both stay, complete with a cot that is covered entirely with medical files and other clutter. Just off of this area, there are two small rooms, which I presume to examination rooms, as they are both covered with privacy curtains (and there is no possible way that an exam can be done in the triage room with all the clutter). No doors are ever closed. When I walked in and sat down, I could clearly hear the entire conversation between the doctor and the man-patient.

On my first visit, the doctor’s cell phone rang while I sat in the only empty chair in the triage room, and - without a word to me (like, say, "Excuse me") - he answered it and promptly left the room. The woman just took over with the questions about my medical history. When her cell phone rang, too, she did the same thing the doctor did - answered it and ignored me completely. I felt cornered, since I needed meds. I should’ve promptly looked for a new doctor after this strange appointment. Alas, I got the ordered blood work and wanted to know the results. Plus I had all these new symptoms.

My appointment was at 12:30 pm. I arrived five minutes early, the waiting room was pretty full. I was immediately annoyed - they’d obviously overbooked their time slots. My irritation was only increased when the lady-I-presume-to-be-Missus-doctor called back two people that arrived after I had before me. The second lady, bless her heart, told the vile Missus-doctor that I had arrived first and that it was my turn. If only that had helped…

So, I pull out my note and begin trying to discuss my problems with this moron-with-a-medical-degree. He interrupted me to show me the blood work results were fine, that only my TSH was a little high (5.67 when it should be between 0.34 and 5.60). Swell. Can I get a copy of that? Well, he doesn’t have a copier, but he supposes I can have the only copy. He did a complete fasting blood work panel, but only tested the TSH (no T3, no T4), despite knowing that I have Hashimoto’s!

So, my shoulder has been aching… He asks if I injured it or if there was some sort of trauma. No, but I have been researching, I tell him, and I think it’s possible that it’s a symptom of Hashimoto’s, like the anxiety. Again, he interrupts me to tell me that a sore shoulder is not a Hashimoto’s symptom and begins explaining what the high numbers mean. I interrupt him and finish the explanation - I fucking understand that the TSH is high because the thyroid isn’t functioning so the pituitary gland is releasing more TSH into the bloodstream and all of that, thankyouverymuch. And he says that the thyroid (points at neck) has nothing to do with the shoulder (points at shoulder). Exacerbated, I request a referral to an endocrinologist. The disgusting Missus-doctor, who had been on her cell phone in the same room as us the entire time, is now off the telephone and interrupts with a hearty "We handle thyroid issues here. No referral."

I stood up. "Then I’ll find a doctor who will." And walked out.

What a fucking nightmare. I called the insurance company and asked for a new PCP. I also asked to file a complaint.

In the meantime, I did learn that I can get myself into a psych eval somewhere in town without a referral. I need to treat the anxiety if nothing else.