Buddha is sick. I vaguely recall him feeling a bit warm last night during the late-night nursing session. It was confirmed by vomit in the crib this morning. He was fine earlier, but he’s grown cranky as the day has continued. He’s extra whiny and clingy.
I’ve been plugging away at my mom’s site for at least 50 hours and she is going to pay me $100. She made a pointed remark that she just spend “quite a bit of money” on Joy for school uniforms and supplies. We’re talkin’ maybe $50. It’s like a slap in the face. That’s $2 an hour. Needless to say, I’m done working on the site, even if everything isn’t as I had planned.
I have no idea how we are going to pay our rent.
Two nights ago, Husband made a comment to me that hurt much more than I expected. He said he’d wondered what it would be like to have a skinny wife. I’ve suspected for some time now that he is unhappy about the weight I put on during my pregnancy with Buddha (of those 25 pounds, I’m still carrying 15). I’m not thrilled about it, either, but I know me - I know that the only way I will lose the weight is to exercise (as opposed to diet) and the only way I will stick to an exercise routine is with gym membership. I have stated this to him for at least 10 months. Not that it seems to matter, as we couldn’t afford gym membership now even had we gotten it heretofore.
I mean, I have never been skinny. I have never even desired to be skinny. Thin, perhaps, but skinny strikes me as unhealthy. I have struggled with my weight my entire life, but I don’t see a fat girl (or even a chubby one) when I look in the mirror. I see me - beautiful, if imperfect. I found a way to love myself as I am years ago and nothing said to me has ever swayed me from that - not Big Rob’s comments about me being a “big girl,” not Joy vocalizing her worries that I “weigh more than” X, etc.
In any case, I felt so… I’m not even sure what the right word here is. Like humiliated. Like ashamed. And strangely, surprised, even though I suspected his feelings. Something about hearing him say it out loud changed things for me. I’ve felt distant from him. I can feel the wall going up. Part of me doesn’t want to be mad at him because I know people cannot really help the way they feel. But why did he hafta say it? What good did he think it would do?
The hardest part about that is while everything else has crumbled and fallen around me (and us), I’ve felt safe and secure in our relationship. Now?
I feel so fucking alone. And helpless.
August 23rd, 2008 at 6:45 pm
You are not alone. In this economy, there are a lot of us whose husbands are out of work and whos’s Moms are buying our groceries. Thankfully, my Mom does so with a gracious heart. In my case, I’ve been sick on top of everything else so I do umderstand where you are coming from. It can be so disheartening when you can’t see the end in sight and you have no idea where the next dollar is coming from. My heart is with you.
August 23rd, 2008 at 9:18 am
hey hon, not defending him, but he may just be insecure about not being able too work right now and unknowingly or unmeaningfully lashing out at you. DON’T hesitate to tell him how you feel. Communication is key. Chopper and I went through the same situation last year when he was put out of work for health reasons. BB was only 3 wks old and we already had 2 kids to feed. We came through it with a stronger relationship.
Love you guys.
I’m praying for you. Hang in there. Contact me if you need to talk or get it out.
August 23rd, 2008 at 2:35 am
I am soo sorry Tata.
I hope Buddha feels better soon. I am sure the tension around the house is making issues MUCH worse.It always feels like everything gets piled on at once.
I am sorry about the job tension too- I wish you luck on the job front, I do know how frustrating that can be, but some of those little jobs can be lots of fun if you choose to make the best of them,kwim?
You know I am around if you need a ear.
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:17 pm
Sorry to hear that Buddha is sick, makes everything much harder to do. We all love our mothers, but some days they make it very difficult.
I can see that it was a very hurtful thing for the hubby to say. Talk to him. He may just be lashing out like kids do when things don’t go their way. Talk to him.
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:44 pm
I’m not sure if my comment I just posted went through or not… but *hugs*
August 22nd, 2008 at 5:43 pm
*hugs* Like someone said on plurk, I’m sure he’s just feeling down about the job situation and lashing out. Everything will get better sooner or later.
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Oh Gosh, I don’t know what to say.
I’m so sorry that things are so messed up right now. ((((((big hugs)))))) Don’t hesitate to call me if you just need a shoulder. I’ll turn my ringer on, just in case. 