I’m Beautiful Like Me.

I’m extremely frustrated and have been very agitated for the past week - ten days or so, so please disregard my hyperbole. I need to fucking vent.

About three weeks ago, I had a panic attack. I hated my job and completely attribute it to that fact. I would obsess over excuses to not go in and would start to feel icky when I did go in. In any case, it was a mild panic attack and I was able to mostly roll with the punches, particularly since we were slow and my boss offered to let me off early. My brother showed up and distracted me, too, so it passed quickly.

Still.

I had also started to have some shoulder pain. I’d wake up in the morning and my right shoulder would just ache. For me, that’s actually entirely normal. What isn’t normal is that the aching doesn’t wear off after some stretching and getting moving.

We had a nice little warm-up here in Louisville for a few days and I noticed that afterwards, when it cooled back down, I’d always feel extremely cold. Very unlike me. Very strange. Even stranger that I’d be cold and Husband wouldn’t be since he is the one that usually whines about the temperature.

A week prior to the panic attack, I met with my new doctor. It was the most bizarre experience I’d ever had. I needed a new ’script for Synthroid, though, and my annual blood test. I had been feeling more forgetful and losing hair again, so I wasn’t surprised when I learned (2 long weeks later) my TSH was higher than normal. The doctor increased my dose from 50 mcg to 75 mcg per day.

In any case, I wanted a follow up appointment with the doctor to go over my fasting blood panel and to talk to them about my shoulder and anxiety. Unfortunately, due to all the shit-weather we had, two appointments were canceled. In the meantime, when the doctor told me over the telephone that he was increasing my dose of Sythroid and prompted by some discussions in an online forum I visit, I decided to re-research Hashimoto’s and it’s symptoms.

So, it turns out that my anxiety and my shoulder pain might possibly be linked to Hashimoto’s. According to this link and numerous others I found by simply googling "Hashimoto’s symptoms" and "Hashimoto’s anxiety", my hypothyroidism may be the cause of these other, new and more severe symptoms.

For those of you that don’t know it, I was diagnosed with OCD when I was a teenager. Before I conceived Buddha, I was medicated for it. I had the anxiety very well controlled for the following 18 months or so. In fact, I believed my OCD only really flared back up when Joy was diagnosed herself. After reading the literature online, I’m rethinking that and wondering if it was just a symptom of Hashimoto’s, since my Hashimoto’s diagnosis was only 2-3 months after Joy’s OCD diagnosis. Seems entirely plausible.

In any case, I finally went back in to my appointment today. I wrote myself a note (so’s not to forget) about the things I wanted to discuss with the doctor. Shoulder pain, anxiety, headaches and how I wonder if they are all symptoms of Hashimoto’s. Now, I’ve suffered from migraines (most of my family members do) since I was a kid. Lately, the headaches seem to be a direct result from the anxiety which cause me to clamp my jaw together painfully, unwittingly. The meds I used to take were an enormous relief from those headaches.

I get to the doctor’s office, which is this little green house with parking in the back. I can only imagine the mess behind the closed doors and pulled curtains based on the mess I can see. The waiting area looks to have been a kitchen at one point, and while there is a frosted glass window that leads to somewhere, no one is ever behind it. Beyond the waiting area, there is a triage area where the doctor and - I presume - his wife both stay, complete with a cot that is covered entirely with medical files and other clutter. Just off of this area, there are two small rooms, which I presume to examination rooms, as they are both covered with privacy curtains (and there is no possible way that an exam can be done in the triage room with all the clutter). No doors are ever closed. When I walked in and sat down, I could clearly hear the entire conversation between the doctor and the man-patient.

On my first visit, the doctor’s cell phone rang while I sat in the only empty chair in the triage room, and - without a word to me (like, say, "Excuse me") - he answered it and promptly left the room. The woman just took over with the questions about my medical history. When her cell phone rang, too, she did the same thing the doctor did - answered it and ignored me completely. I felt cornered, since I needed meds. I should’ve promptly looked for a new doctor after this strange appointment. Alas, I got the ordered blood work and wanted to know the results. Plus I had all these new symptoms.

My appointment was at 12:30 pm. I arrived five minutes early, the waiting room was pretty full. I was immediately annoyed - they’d obviously overbooked their time slots. My irritation was only increased when the lady-I-presume-to-be-Missus-doctor called back two people that arrived after I had before me. The second lady, bless her heart, told the vile Missus-doctor that I had arrived first and that it was my turn. If only that had helped…

So, I pull out my note and begin trying to discuss my problems with this moron-with-a-medical-degree. He interrupted me to show me the blood work results were fine, that only my TSH was a little high (5.67 when it should be between 0.34 and 5.60). Swell. Can I get a copy of that? Well, he doesn’t have a copier, but he supposes I can have the only copy. He did a complete fasting blood work panel, but only tested the TSH (no T3, no T4), despite knowing that I have Hashimoto’s!

So, my shoulder has been aching… He asks if I injured it or if there was some sort of trauma. No, but I have been researching, I tell him, and I think it’s possible that it’s a symptom of Hashimoto’s, like the anxiety. Again, he interrupts me to tell me that a sore shoulder is not a Hashimoto’s symptom and begins explaining what the high numbers mean. I interrupt him and finish the explanation - I fucking understand that the TSH is high because the thyroid isn’t functioning so the pituitary gland is releasing more TSH into the bloodstream and all of that, thankyouverymuch. And he says that the thyroid (points at neck) has nothing to do with the shoulder (points at shoulder). Exacerbated, I request a referral to an endocrinologist. The disgusting Missus-doctor, who had been on her cell phone in the same room as us the entire time, is now off the telephone and interrupts with a hearty "We handle thyroid issues here. No referral."

I stood up. "Then I’ll find a doctor who will." And walked out.

What a fucking nightmare. I called the insurance company and asked for a new PCP. I also asked to file a complaint.

In the meantime, I did learn that I can get myself into a psych eval somewhere in town without a referral. I need to treat the anxiety if nothing else.